


Particles

by Khnopff



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:10:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 41,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9778481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khnopff/pseuds/Khnopff
Summary: Lexa is standing at the side of the road trying to hitchhike while Clarke picks her up.





	1. Time Passing

When I woke up it took me a few moments to realise where I was, this wasn’t my bed and the room was a bit smaller than my own. Although I knew every detail of this room it didn’t feel familiar. It looked slightly different in my memory. Why did I come here last night? No, why did I stay here for the night? I led out a deep breath and stood up from the bed, gathering my clothes and putting them on. I headed to the door and while opening it I turned my head to have a last glimpse of the room. Yep, I sure wanted to leave. While going downstairs I was wondering if it was rude off me to leave without saying goodbye. It was better this way, it was easier for me. Nevertheless a note wouldn’t do any harm, it would make things less awkward and I wouldn’t feel so guilty after all.

 _“_ _Norah,_

_Thanks for yesterday, I needed it._

_It was really nice seeing you again._

_L.”_

It was a little note but it was enough. I left it on the table and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and left the apartment. The wind was colder than I expected, I wrapped my scarf around my neck and buried most of my head inside the scarf. It was 08:13 and the next bus was only at 09:02. I could wait, on a normal day I wouldn’t mind at all. Today just wasn’t a day like any other, I felt a bit of. It was too cold anyways to wait for such a long time so I stood next to the road with my thumb in the air. This was an easy spot to hitchhike , just one straight road to where I needed to be.

 

 

The first car ignored me completely, I never understood why people did this. Maybe they thought if they pretended not to see me there would be a small chance I wouldn’t see them as well. The second one gave a sign that he didn’t have any room left in his car, with his wife sitting in the front and three children on the backseats. The third car stopped and I asked him where he had to go. It wasn’t my direction, too bad because he seemed like a nice person. I thanked him anyway and wished him a good day. The fourth and fifth car ignored me as well and the sixth one only waved at me while he didn’t stop. I sighed but kept on smiling. Maybe it was a sign I had to wait for the bus, already twenty-five minutes had passed. At that moment a car stopped and it took me a few seconds to realise before I ran towards it. When I arrived the window was already down and a young woman was looking at me. She was probably around my age.

“Where do you need to go?” the woman asked friendly.

“Ooh, just to TonDC. Are you by any chance heading that way?” I asked plainly.

“Yeah, hop in” she answered.

A little smile formed on my lips, I was happy to finally catch a ride, to be away from the cold. I knew I had to speak to the driver just to be polite and start a conversation to make the driver feel at ease in her own car. This was the part I wasn’t good at.

“Do you do this often?” the raspy voice next to me asked.

“Hitchhiking? Not often, maybe once in a while.” It was a lie, not a big one. I did hitchhike very often, everywhere I wanted to go when there was no public transport or when I didn’t want to take any kind of public transport. It was more than once in a while or it used to be. “Do you?”

“Pick up random strangers at the side of the road? No not really, this is the first time actually. When I saw you standing there I felt a bit guilty sitting here in my warm car while you were standing in the cold. And you seemed like nice company” she replied.

Was it a compliment or was she being friendly? I could feel the woman’s gaze on me for a couple of moments waiting for a reply. It wouldn’t come. I stared in front of me and the woman turned her head and did the exact same thing. I didn’t know if I offended her in some sort of way, I hoped not.

“So where in TonDc do you have to be?”

“The train station will be fine, thank you.” I answered before I got lost in my own thoughts again. The rest of the drive I was looking outside and didn’t say anything. Neither did the driver until we arrived at the train station.

“Thank you for the ride”, I said. For the first time I realised how tired my voice sounded.

“I’m glad I could help you.”

I got out of the car and wanted to close the door but instead I turned around for a second and really looked at the young woman for the second time that morning. “I’m sorry if the silence was awkward or anything. I hope my silence won’t withhold you from picking up hitchhikers in the future.”

“You don’t have to worry about it, it was pleasant.” She gave me a little smile.

I doubted that the woman thought it was a pleasant ride because we barely said one word to each other for the whole twenty minutes. Nevertheless I could feel a little smile form on my lips as well. “Drive save and thanks again”, I said while closing the door. The woman waved at me and took off while I ran towards the tracks to catch my train.

 

 

I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath, I was glad to be home. This was where I needed to be, my own little place I shared with two of my best friends. It was quiet in the house, my roommates already left or they would still be asleep otherwise there would be music playing. The moment I entered the living room I saw someone laying on the couch, curled up underneath a blanket and dreadlocks sprawled all over the pillows. I took a glance at Billie, she was sleeping so peacefully. Billie was my oldest friends, we met through mutual friends in high school. When we started studying at the university we decided to move in together in this little apartment we could call our own. Our apartment was located in an old house with an art-nouveau façade. It had an open kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, 3 bedrooms and a small garden. It was the best place for us. I decided to make some fresh mint tea and took a seat at one off the armchairs that were still available. They were old French walnut armchairs from the art deco period which I inherited from my grandmother. Old and worn out but I really loved them. They had so much history.

“You’re finally home!” a voice stated behind me and made me startle a bit.

“Shhht, Billie is sleeping”, I whispered while turning my head.

Anya was standing at the top of the stairs. She shook her head. “She was worried you know. She probably tried to stay up until you came home. Where have you been? You didn’t answer any of our messages and we tried to call you.”

“I told you guys I had dinner with Norah” I replied. What was the fuss about? They knew her plans, yeah, normally she would have slept at home but plans can change. It’s not that big of a deal I told myself because I knew it was important for them. 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it”, Anya sounded a bit angry while she said it. I couldn’t blame her.

“I spent the night at Norah’s. It was late and I missed my last bus so Norah offered me to stay at her place. I know I should have texted you but I forgot. I’m sorry.” It was the truth during the evening I had forgotten about it. I shouldn’t have, but I did.

“Ooh”, was the only thing Anya said. We were both silent for a minute before Anya sat down in the chair in front off me, “How was it? How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. I don’t know, it was nice and weird.”

There was another silence. I knew Anya wanted to ask more questions but I also knew she didn’t want to push me to say anything. I liked that about Anya, I always felt at ease with her. Even if she was my sister she felt more like a friend to me. At that moment my phone vibrated and the screen lid up for a moment only to repeat itself twice. I took my phone and looked at the screen, three new messages.

_Norah (10:17): No problem! You know next time you can always stay longer if you want._

_Norah (10:18): You don’t have to if you’re not feeling up to it._

_Norah (10:18): I feel guilty that you always leave without any breakfast. And no, the bottle of water doesn’t count as breakfast._

_Lexa (10:20): I know. Next time._

_Norah (10:20): Really?!_

_Lexa (10:21): Maybe_

I knew it wouldn’t be like this. I would leave before anyone would wake up just like this morning. Norah knew it as well. It was easier for the both of us. I dropped my phone in my lap and took a look at Anya who was frowning.

“Norah?” Anya simply asked and I nodded. “You want to talk about it?”

I nodded again but this time it was negative. I wanted to talk about it, I really did and I wished I could. Just not right now, at this moment I wanted to sit here in my friends company and enjoy my tea. Nothing more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English isn't my native language, I apologize for any mistakes.


	2. Meeting Again

I was sitting on my bed with my laptop on my lap when a knock on my door interrupted my concentration. The door of my room opened and a head peeped inside.

“Can I come in?” I nodded and Billie entered my room. She let herself fall on the bed next to me and stared at the ceiling. We didn’t say a thing. I continued working on my paper and Billie just laid there, once in a while she took a look at me or my computer screen and focused back on the ceiling. The music was playing softly and Billie was humming on it, it made me chuckle.

“How on earth can you even try to hum on this song? Please stop it before you ruin Miles Davis for me.” I said while I placed my hand on her mouth.

“Nothing can ruin Miles Davis for you, you know it.” Billie replied while she stole my laptop, “Now let’s listen to some music where we actually can sing along.”

I wanted to stop her and take my laptop back but before I even had turned around, Billie was already placing my laptop on my desk. She turned the volume up to the maximum level before she stared at me with a mischievous smile. I wondered what she was up to now. My question was already answered when I heard the music.

“Ooooh no you didn’t!” I said while my eyes went wide open. Her grin only grew wider with my reaction.

“You know you want it” She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my bed. “Come on, don’t hold back!” she said while she was dancing. Before I could realise I was dancing with her and rapping on Lauren Hill’s Doo-Wop. It was our song we would always sing it together. For a moment I felt relieved without anything on my mind. When the song ended I dropped back on my bed.

“Thank you”, it was more a whisper but I was sure she heard it.

Billie sat down next to me and gave a little pad on my shoulder, “Anytime you want.”

“I’m sorry for the other day, I should have let you know something.”

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t intend it to be that way.” She gave me a sincere smile, “Ooh before I forget I wanted to remind you that Raven and Octavia are coming over for dinner tonight. And afterwards we're going to TonDc to celebrate Octavia’s promotion.”

“Is that today? I can’t, I have classes until 19h and afterwards I have to finish this paper” I didn’t want to go to TonDc, except for the bars there isn’t anything to do.

Billie gave me a stern look, “You can finish your paper another day. You haven’t seen your friends in three weeks. They are looking forward to see you again.”

I took my computer in my lap again and tried to avoid her glance, “I saw you, you are my friend. Anya and Raven as well.”

As an answer Billie threw a pillow at me and it hit me right in the face. It made me look her straight in the eyes.

“What was that for?” I raised my voice.

“Stop pushing your friends away. Tonight is all about Octavia, she waited so long for this moment. Make sure you’ll be there, she’ll appreciate it. Don’t make me drag you over there Lexa.”

I gave a little nod and Billies face softened a bit. She murmured something before she left my room.

 

 

It had been such a long day, my class was boring and had ended half an hour later than it used to. I hated it when professors did this, like we don’t have anything else to do on a Friday night. From the moment I arrived at the bar, I was really glad Billie obligated me to come tonight. My friends were genuinely happy to see me and they acted like nothing happened last time I saw them. Three weeks ago the night started out like this one, we gathered at our place to drink a bit and have some fun. It was a nice evening until I went for a walk to clear my head. Too drunk to realise where I was and how to get back home I sat down on a bench and fell asleep on it. When I didn’t come back my friends were worried and searched for me for hours. Eventually I came home ten hours later to a bunch of angry, tired and worried friends. It was the first time I saw them like this. The moment I walked inside my house, Anya came up to me and slapped me in the face while she said angrily to never do this to her again. It was the same voice that pulled me out of my contemplation.

“Someone else wants another drink?” Anya asked while she made her way to the bar. Raven, Billie and Octavia signed they wanted another beer and I did the same pointing to my Duvel. Jasper and Monty opted for yet another shot of genever, Lincoln and Bellamy wanted a plain water, they were the drivers tonight. It was the 5th or 6th round and I could feel I was a bit drunk after all those strong beers. I didn’t mind, I was enjoying the time I was spending with my friends. Billie was right this morning, I shouldn’t push them away. They were always here for me. I took another sip of my Duvel and listened to the jokes Jasper made, Octavia who told everything about her new job and Monty who told us about this new girl he had met. We kept on drinking and laughing, it had been such a long time since I felt like this. I almost felt happy again but at the same time the realisation and guilt hit me. I was in need for some fresh air. I got up in a haste and saw a glance off worriedness in Anya’s eyes. She followed me out of the pub and asked me what was wrong.

“Anya, I’m just going for a walk, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me. I need some fresh air to sober up a bit. Go back inside and enjoy the rest of the evening. Please just leave me for a moment”, I almost begged, “I’ll be back in no time, I promise. Just five minutes.” I really wanted to be alone at that moment. I knew Anya’s intention was good but she didn’t need to worry so much about me. I was her little sister and she always had to take care of me in some way but it wasn’t like I hadn’t been drunk before.

I started walking in the need to sober up for sure because I couldn’t properly walk straight. Before I realised I was standing at the side of the road again waiting for a car to pick me up. It didn’t take long for one to pull over and when I opened the door there was a young blonde woman sitting in front of me.

“Well hello there, we meet again”, she said and I had no idea what she was talking about. I gave her a confused look, I was in no positon to recall where or rather when I had seen this woman before. When she realised which condition I was in she explained it to me, “A couple of days ago you were hitchhiking in the other direction and I gave you a ride.”

“Aah, yes, I do remember!” I exclaimed too enthusiastically, “So you did follow my advice to pick up more hitchhikers that’s nice. Some solidarity that’s what we need today. The world needs more people like you who- “I was interrupted by my ringtone and it startled me. Who was calling me on this ungodly hour? I answered the phone without looking at the name on the screen.

“Hello? Ooh Anya it’s you! Yes, everything is fine -... Where am I? I’m in a car, no don’t freak out- this nice lady, wait a minute- ‘’ I said and turned around to ask the driver her name.

“Clarke”, she answered with an amused smile.

“Anya, I’m with Clarke and she is going to drop me at Norah’s place. Everything will be fine-I’m sorry, yeah- I know I told you I would come back. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Yeah, I will text you when I arrived. Don’t worry. Have fun” I hung up the phone and sighed. During the call I hadn’t noticed the car had stopped at the exact bus station the woman had picked me up the last time.

“I suppose this is where I drop you off?” the blonde asked. I nodded in response. “It was nice meeting you again- ‘’

“Lexa”

“Well it was lovely to offer you a ride again, Lexa. Maybe we bump in to each other again in the future” she said with a smile.

“Thanks again for the ride-”, I answered and at the same time I realised I had forgotten her name. I blamed all the alcohol in my body for it.

“Clarke”

“Yeh, Clarke it is. I knew it I only forgot it for a moment. May we meet again, Clarke.” I said while I stressed the k. I stood there at the side of the road for a moment watching how the car drove away.

 

It seemed like the whole world was spinning around while I made my way to Norah’s house. Those last shots were too much, my stomach was turning around and for a moment I had a feeling I had to puke. Luckily for me it was only a feeling which disappeared again. I rang the bell twice and when there came no answer I started to knock on the wooden door.

“Norah!” I practically screamed while I kept on knocking. The moment the door opened I almost fell inside the room, I entered without permission and Norah gave me a confused look.

“What are you doing here? Do you have any idea how late it is?” she said while I dropped on the couch. Only then I realised she was wearing a pyjama, it had to be around 3 or 4 a.m.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you like this. I- I didn’t know where to go” my voice sounded fragile.

“Is everything all right? Are you okay?” Norah asked while she sat down next to me. She looked me in the eyes, they were friendly and a bit sad but understanding. Those familiar eyes.

“No, I’m not. I’m not fine”, I said while my voice broke. I started crying, the tears were rolling over my cheeks. I had a feeling I couldn’t breathe properly because of the crying and I had to gasp for air once in a while. Norah hugged me and before she pulled me closer to her I could see tears forming in her eyes as well. She hushed me, said it was okay to let all the tears out. My body was shaking, it was the first time in months I broke down like this. Norah kept on hugging me until I fell asleep.


	3. Art of Mirrors

My head was hurting, I could feel my pulse pounding in the back of my head and my throat was very dry, I was desperately in need of some water. Those last two shots were too much, why did I agree to drink them. When I opened my eyes it seemed like my prayers were answered, a glass of water was standing on the table accompanied by a painkiller. The sight alone made me lick my lips. I grabbed the painkiller, swallowed it and drank the whole glass in one time, it felt like it still wasn’t enough. A chuckle came from behind me and made my head turn around way too fast. It felt like my brain was smashed from one side of my skull to the other side.

“You want some breakfast?”, Norah asked with an amused smile, “It’s nothing fancy just bacon and eggs.” I nodded in response, I couldn’t recall when it was the last time I ate something. I stood up and went to the counter where there was a water jug waiting for me.

“I’m sorry for last night. It was selfish off me to come here in the middle of the night”, I didn’t look up, instead I was focused on my glass of water. It was hard for me to look Norah in the eyes, it was too painful. She had almost the exact same eyes as Costia, brown with a bit of orange and green. I always tried to avoid them, she never said anything about it but I think it hurt her a bit. She understood, I know she did. Every time I looked into her eyes, I saw the resemblance with my dead lover, it was too painful.

“You don’t have to apologize. You’re always welcome here, day and night”, Norah said while she putted a plate with bacon and eggs in front of me. It smelled delicious. It wasn’t fair how I treated Norah sometimes, it felt like I tossed her around like a toy. Most of the time I pushed her away, avoided her and ignored her, only to pull her closer when I needed her. I came here only when I felt like it, mostly in the middle of the night or when I was drunk or both. Every time I left before she woke up. In a way I used her and she let me do it, it was a particle off my grieving. It’s sad and it made me feel pathetic. She took care of me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, but I was never there for her. We used to have such a good relationship, I was the girlfriend of her younger sister but she never treated me that way. She treated me as her own friend, which I was. We used to talk about a lot of things, now we barely talked.

“I miss her so much”, I said while I poked with my fork in the scrambled eggs.

Norah grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eyes, “I know, I miss her too.” Her eyes became watery and I saw how she tried to fight back the tears. I was too much indulged in my own sorrow all the time that I forgot she was hurting as well. Off course she did, she lost her sister. I wanted to punch myself, how blind could I have been? How self-centred? We stared in each other’s eyes in silence, the two people Costia loved the most. My dear, dear Costia.

“You know these eggs aren’t so bad maybe next time I’ll stay for breakfast as well”, I said trying to lighten the mood. Norah only nodded her head.

“You are unbelievable, but I appreciate what you did today”, she smiled a bit. Norah was right, today being a step forward. I was lowering my walls again, I would keep doing it because my friends didn’t deserve this. I took another bite of the bacon when my phone vibrated.

“Hello? Raven hold on for a minute” I said while I put the speaker on. This was too loud and my headache wasn't completely over. “You can talk now.”

“Are you at Norah’s place? I’m heading to Anya so if you want I can come and pick you up?” said Raven’s voice through the phone. It was echoing through the kitchen.

“Life saver, I couldn’t handle public transport today”, I replied.

“Great! I’ll be there within a couple of minutes. See you!”, Raven didn’t wait for an answer before she ended the call. I looked up and asked Norah if she didn’t mind I was leaving already.

“No, don’t worry about it. Normally when I wake up you already left, so this is a nice surprise. You know I have been wondering all morning how you got here last night?”

I shrugged my shoulders because I literally had no idea. “I know I hitchhiked but I can’t remember anything about the ride.”

Norah started to laugh out loud, “I can imagine that!”

At that moment a car honked from outside, Raven’s sign she was here. I stood up, took my jacket and gave Norah a hug. In the beginning she didn’t know how to react but immediately she threw her arms around me as well. It lasted a bit longer then a normal hug, we both didn’t mind.

“Thank you for everything”, I whispered and I could feel her arms tighten a bit for a moment. Another honk indicated Raven’s impatience. I let go of Norah, grabbed my wallet and my phone.

“See you soon Norah”, I said on my way out and before I closed the door I saw an honest smile on Norah’s lips. It made me smile as well, it had been a long time since I’ve seen her smile like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter. Nevertheless I wanted to share this because I think it's an important part to understand the relationship between Lexa and Norah.


	4. An Optical Poem

I entered the garden where Billie was smoking a cigarette and sat down next to her. I offered her a mug of tea which she gratefully accepted. 

“What’s on your mind?”, I asked after taking a sip of my tea.

Billie was never a regular smoker, she started – no, we- started smoking when we were in high school. We only smoked at parties, I never bought a single cigarette in my life, and it became a bad habit. It was a way to be rebellious against our parents and the standards set by society. Costia never liked it when I smoked but she never pushed me to quit. She always said it was something I couldn’t do for someone else, I had to do it for my own. She was right. I never smoked a cigarette again from the moment I realised how it damaged my body and how silly it was to rebel with something so trivial. Eventually Billie stopped smoking as well, the only moments she did light up a cigarette was when she was feeling nervous or when she was uncertain.

“I’m nervous. Today I’ll finally know if I got selected for that gallery in Sweden”, Billie replied.

“You don’t have to be nervous. I’m certain you got in, you’re the best student in all our classes. If you don’t get in, I have no hope for my future”, I answered. It made her laugh and I noticed how she relaxed in an instant.

I took another sip, “Is Anya still sleeping?”

“Yes, I think she had a late shift and came home around 4 a.m.”, Billie replied.

“We can have lunch together? After my work, I can go to the local farmer market and by the time I’m back home Anya will be awake.”

Billie nodded in excitement. I worked in a small museum where I was a guide. It wasn’t a well-known museum, but the collection was amazing and the people who worked there were incredible. A small team of art students under the wings of this important collector. Every time I looked forward to guide in that place because it was such a nice environment and as a student it wasn’t such a bad job to do.

“Oooh, shit, I’ll be late at work. I have to go”, I said while I took a look at my watch. I drank my cup of tea in one time, grabbed my stuff and ran to the door. Before I closed it behind me, I yelled at Billie, “See you later. Fingers crossed!”

 

 

 

“That’s the reason why Yves Klein was an import artist for minimal art during the 60s. Our tour has come to an end. You can still walk around and if you have any questions left feel free to ask.” I said and it didn’t take long before I received an applause.

Some people left, others strolled around in the museum, only one young woman stayed behind. It was a blond woman, approximately the same age as myself. During the group visit I noticed her staring at me occasionally, I didn’t know if she intended it to stare so long or if she was just interested in everything I was telling them. She came up to me with a small smile on her lips.

“You still don’t remember me, do you?” she asked.

I must have looked confused because she started to laugh out loud. Sure, she did seem a bit familiar and since the moment I noticed her in the group I wondered why but I told myself she probably looked like a celebrity.

“It’s okay Lexa”, she said and laughed even louder when she saw my eyebrow popping up while mentioning my name, “The last time we met you were drunk and hitchhiking.”

Immediately I felt my cheeks getting red, this was getting embarrassing but it seemed like I was the only one who felt that way. I still didn’t say anything, I was digging in my brain to remember when I met this woman before. Me being drunk wasn’t the best lead, because I had been drunk so many times the last couple of weeks.

“I’m just teasing you. Everyone gets drunk sometimes and forgets the people they met. It’s no big deal”, the woman in front of me said while she looked me in the eyes. It was the first time I noticed how blue they were.

“I didn’t say anything embarrassing when I was drunk, did I?” I hoped from the bottom of my heart I didn’t. 

She nodded a no and I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding.

“I’m Clarke”

“I’m Lexa,” I reacted while shaking her hand, “but you obviously knew that already.”

The handshaking was a bit of an awkward gesture, nevertheless it made Clarke chuckle. I never realised I was this funny. My friends never thought I was this humorous, sure they would laugh with my jokes occasionally but never like this. So even if strangers thought I was amusing, I had to be funny. For which other reason would that woman laugh with everything I said or did?  This though alone made me smirk.

“It was really nice meeting you properly Clarke. Unfortunately, I must go because I have to go to the local market which will close within an hour and a half. If you want you can always join me?”, I announced. I didn’t know where this came from. I wasn’t familiar with this Clarke-person and maybe she didn’t like me. Why on earth would she even come with me? I was simply this annoying girl she picked up at the side of the road because Clark was a good person.

“I still have some time left so I would love to join you”, Clarke said to my surprise.

She was a mysterious girl, the beautiful blond woman who was standing in front of me.

“Great! Let’s go”, I replied.

At the entrance of the museum I said goodbye to Harper, one of my colleagues. Harper looked up from her computer screen, “I’ll see you within two weeks Lexa. Have a nice day!”

I gave a little nod, “See you.”  

 

 

 

The food market was located in an old gothic church, the local famers each had a stand and sold their food, drinks and flowers. It was an amazing experience to see the contradiction between the rich, lively colours of the vegetables and flowers against the sober, grey, frigid background of the church. The smell of flowers, cheeses, freshly baked bread, meat and herbs combined with that musty scent you always find in these old buildings was unbelievable. From the moment I entered through the big double doors I always got carried away by this. 

“This is amazing. How did you find this?” Clarke exclaimed.

“By accident actually. When I walked by this church I thought it was beautiful and I wanted to peek inside. The moment I went inside I was stunned by what I found. Since that moment I come here every other week, it’s my favourite place to by some grocery’s”, I explained.

Afterwards I signed Clarke to follow my lead and I showed her a stand that sold several cheeses and wine.

“You really have to try this one”, I said pointing to a white cheese with green herbs in it, “It’s the best you’ve ever eaten.”

I bought some of it, enough to take home as well because Billie and Anya devoured this cheese in an instant. I gave a little piece to Clarke and studied her while she ate it. When she let out a little moan I laughed out loud.

“That’s so good!”, Clarke told me while she ordered a piece of her own.

“Come on, I have to show you some other great stuff. You’ll be surprised off all the delicious things you can find here”, I replied while dragging her to another stand.

I let Clarke try some meat from a wild boar, freshly baked bread and showed her a stand with huge bags of herbs and tea leaves. She bought everything I recommended her.

“Now I will show you my favourite booth. I saved the best for the last.” I brought her to my own little heaven which was the stand that sold flowers and plants. There where plants and flowers in every colour you could imagine and all the different smells were amazing. The owner recognised me and greeted us, I gave a little nod in return. I led myself go and bought a little banana tree and two bouquets of different flowers. Amaryllis, lilies, gaillardia’s, roses and peony’s. I couldn’t help myself, from the moment I see flowers I have to buy them.

At the end of our trip through this little food heaven, Clarke and I came outside with loads of bags. We gave each other a questioning look. I didn’t know what to do in this moment. I had a marvellous time with this woman, but our impulsive decision to do something together was over and the moment had ended. We would say our goodbye’s, we would go back to our own lives and never see each other again. I felt a bit disappointed by that thought because I had enjoyed my time with her. Perhaps she didn’t appreciate it as much as I did? Maybe she wanted to leave a long time ago but she couldn’t because I dragged her around all this food stands. Several minutes had passed while I was overthinking everything.

“Lexa?”, Clarke asked while she was waving in front of me.

“Ooh sorry, I was lost in my own thoughts. Did you say anything?”

“I asked if it was okay if I gave you my number? I have to go now but if you want we can grab a drink another time?” she suggested.

I nodded slightly, “That’s fine with me.”

She wrote her number on a small piece of paper and I grabbed my phone to search my own number as well. I never managed to remember it, maybe it made me look like a fool but I never mind.

“I had a good time Lexa”, Clarke told me after she putted the paper away.

“Likewise. It was enjoyable to get to know you”, I said formal. I was never good at saying goodbye to someone.

“I definitely have to go now but I hope to see you soon”, she said.

I didn’t give an answer instead I watched her as she walked away. For a moment she looked back at me and I saw a smile on her lips. Mysterious girl indeed.

 


	5. Tabula Rasa

Several days - actually almost two weeks – had passed since the last encounter between Lexa and Clarke. After their joined trip to the local market, Lexa had made a whole buffet for lunch. Although her roommates knew she liked to cook they still thought this extravagant luncheon wasn’t her usual doing. They didn’t complain though, when they saw the table covered with all kinds of cheeses, fruits and vegetables. Instead of interrogating Lexa to know the reason behind this feast, Anya, Billie and Raven sat down and waited for Lexa to tell them what happened. She did, not with too many words. Lexa told them how she and Clarke bumped into each other, how she didn’t manage to recognise the blond and how they went to the church. The trio noticed the way Lexa spoke about this woman, it was slightly different than usual. There was no bitterness or annoyance in her voice after meeting new people, a bad habit she had adopted the last couple of months. Instead her tone revealed a kind of joie de vivre. It wasn’t much but it gave the triumvirate hope, faith in Lexa. She wasn’t as angry at the world as she used to be, sometimes she could still be enraged by the world or disinterested by it but never like in the beginning, right after Costia died. Lexa was letting people in even if it was only for an instant, a couple of hours, it was still a progress. Anya, Billie and Raven knew this however they didn’t say a word. They looked at each other, knowing that the others had noticed it too and nodded with a smile on their lips. Lexa thought about Clarke several times that day, even when she went to bed she recalled those blue eyes and blond locks. The day after Clarke didn’t pass Lexa’s thoughts for once, Lexa had too many things on her mind to bear in mind a particular blond woman. She wouldn’t think about Clarke for almost two weeks.

 

Clarke (11:17): If you’re still up to having a drink together, I’m free this afternoon.

Clarke (11:17): It’s Clarke - the girl from the market- in case you would have lost my number.

I had read the text message twice already and at least ten minutes had passed. I didn’t know what to answer. Off course I wanted to have a drink with her, I just wasn’t that good in communication anymore. It had been ages since I went for a drink with someone I hardly knew.

Clarke (11:31): I have discovered a new bar and I think you’ll like it.

Lexa (11:31): Sounds great. I’m free all afternoon. At what time do you want to meet?

Clarke (11:32): Around 16h? We can meet at the central station or at Sainte-Catherine if you want.

Lexa (11:32): Wherever you want to meet is fine with me.

Lexa (11:32): And 4 p.m. is alright for me.

Clarke (11:33): Great, so I’ll see you tonight!

Clarke (11:33): I’m looking forward to it!

I took a deep breath and a small smile formed on my lips.

Lexa (11:37): See you later.

 

“Do you think it’s strange if Clarke and I would go for a drink?” I asked to nobody in particular. It was a question meant for everybody in the room. I noticed how this query came as a surprise for them. Anya had just entered the room, woken up from her late night shift and was preparing some cereals for breakfast. Raven was probably taking a shower or still lying in bed naked after she and Anya had had sex a couple of moments ago not minding that the rest of the house could hear them. Billie was packing her bags because she did indeed got selected for the gallery in Sweden. She would leave for three weeks to help set up the exposition with her own works. Everyone was in their own little world, so the moment I asked the question I saw confused looks on their faces.

“Who’s Clarke?”, Anya asked before eating a spoon full of cereals.

“She’s that girl Lexa went to the market with a couple of weeks ago”, Billie replied.

I could hear Anya whisper a little “Ooo”

“Clarke just texted me to ask if we could grab a drink together this afternoon. She said she discovered a bar I would like”, I explained.

“Yeah, you should go. You told us she was nice, so why shouldn’t you?” Billie asked.

“Because I don’t know her?”, I answered even if it was a rhetorical question.

“Get to know her”, a voice behind me stated. When I turned my head Raven stood in the doorway shrouded only in a towel. Her wet hair dripping on her back. She walked straight up to Anya and gave her a kiss on the lips before stealing her spoon and eating the whole bowl of cereals.

“Raven is right. Get to know Clarke. If she is unbearable ditch her and who knows maybe she’s even a really nice person and you’ll see her again. It’s nothing special, you guys are just going to drink something”, Anya reassured me.

They were right. I already had confirmed Clarke I would be there but still I wanted their opinion. What was the worst thing possible to go wrong? If she was terrible -which I really didn’t believe- I could always call one off them for back up.

“Okay, I’ll do it. But if it’s a disaster I call you guys to come and get me”, I stated.

“I can’t. I have to drop off Billie at the airport at 2 p.m. and I start working at 5 p.m.”, Anya responded.

“You still have plenty of time in between to help me”, I exclaimed while I was tossing my cell phone from my one hand to my other.

“No she hasn’t because in that moment your sister and I will be having hot and steamy sex”, Raven smirked. Ooh, how I wished I had covered my ears and didn’t hear that.

“I don’t want to know anything about my sister her sex life, it’s bad enough we can hear you guys having sex from time to time”, I said while shaking my head about the thought of Anya having coitus.

 

 

 

From the moment Clarke lead me into this bar I hoped this wouldn’t happen. It was a small and cosy bar she brought me to. From the outside it seemed like it was a normal house, no neon lights or enamel advertisement on the façade to gain some attention, no huge windows where everyone could see inside. It was a hidden gem. The inside was really eclectic, there were two rooms but somehow it all managed to make sense. The chairs were a combination of different era’s, from the second empire style to Bauhaus, they were imported from all over Europe. The tables were all second hand, found on flea markets. The deep red silken wallpaper in the second room was vintage and came out off a mansion in France. A whole wall was covered with all kind of books and most of the bar was lid by candles. There was a little stage for bands to play on or where jam sessions could be held. The reason why I knew all of this was because it was my most favourite bar in Brussels, it was the same bar that was owned by nobody other than Anya. The same woman who was standing next to me with a grimace on her face.

“Lexa! I didn’t know you would come over today and you brought company,” Anya said locking her eyes on Clarke, “You must be Clarke?”

The blonde woman didn’t know what had happened the last few seconds and only nodded as an answer. She glanced at me, hoping I would help her because she still had no idea who this other woman was and how we knew each other.

“Clarke, this is Anya. She’s my sister and the owner of this bar”, I said and I noticed how the blond woman her eyes went wide for an instant. This must have been a surprise for her, I should have told her the minute we entered this bar it was my sisters. Was it wrong of me to hide that fact? I never really lied because I didn’t say I didn’t know this place. Maybe I was surprised as well because what was the chance Clarke would show me this one from all the bars in Brussels?  Did I have to explain Clarke why I didn’t tell her? No, I shouldn’t justify myself.

I noted how Anya wanted to say something else to Clarke and I stomped her against her shin. We looked each other in the eyes. At first Anya’s glare was an angry one but when she saw me begging her not to embarrass me in front of this blonde she loosened up.

“You guys want anything else to drink? It’s on the house”, Anya asked while dividing her attention between Clarke and me

“I’ll take a lapsang souchong”, I added.

“That sounds intriguing, what is it?”, it was the first time Clarke had said something since Anya interrupted our conversation.

“It’s a smoked black tea from China. Really nice if you like tea’s with a strong flavour”, I explained.

“Seems not that bad. You can make two off them”, Clarke responded.

Anya nodded and went back to the counter.

“It seems like the beauty gene runs in your family”, the blond woman stated. It made me fluster a bit, why did she say stuff like this? Was it normal for her to tell such things to people she barely met? It was a nice compliment. Was I supposed to give her one in return? Tell her how beautiful she was? This woman was confusing me, I didn’t know what to think off her. We had been talking for more than an hour now, we told each other the basic stuff. I studied art history and was majoring in visual arts with a minor about gender. Clarke studied biology but had a big interest in art. In her spare time she went to all these museums and galleries, she even told me she made some artwork herself. It was fascinating how she combined the science with culture.

“So, your sister owns this bar. It’s impressive to have a business of your own when you’re so young. Do you help her out sometimes?” Clarke asked.

“Yep, after she graduated as a lawyer Anya tried to work in a firm for one year. She immediately knew it wasn’t her cup of tea and she wanted to pursue her other dreams. I do bartend from time to time”, I clarified.   

“What are your dreams?”

“I don’t really have any dreams”, I stated.

“Ooh come on, everyone has ambitions and desires? Which ones are yours? You’ll tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine”, Clarke said hopefully.

“My dreams ended a long time ago”, my voice sounded anguished.

“You sound like a real pessimist”, the woman in front of me replied.

“Ooh, wait until you get to know her better. She can be really fatalistic and despondent”, Anya added while she putted the iron teapot and two tea cups between us.

 “Anya, please”, I begged.

“Yeah, yeah, I leave you girls alone”, my sister said.

I drank a bit of my tea and felt how the liquid went through my whole body. I didn’t drink this tea that often but when I did it always relaxed me. Clarke and I spent another hour and a half talking to each other, mostly about culture and art. Is was a nice and easy conversation, exactly what I needed this moment. Our dialogue got interrupted by Clarke her phone which was ringing, after answering it, she excused herself.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. I promised my mother to have dinner with her.”

“No problem, I totally understand”, I said. In the meantime I saw her taking out some money to pay for the drinks, “You don’t have to worry about that, I’ll take care of it. My sisters bar you know.” My hands were twirling all around pointing to the room we were in.

As a reply she took one of my hands and laid it on the table, “No, I asked you for a drink. I’ll be the one to pay for us.”

Her gesture took me by surprise and the only thing I could focus on was her hand laying on mine for an instant.

“You’ll have to buy me a drink the next time”, Clarke smirked while she gave me a kiss on my cheek. It made me fluster a bit and I nodded. “It was nice today, bye Lexa.”

“It absolutely was, see you next time. Au revoir, Clarke”, I said.

Clarke made her way to the counter, paid Anya and left with a little wave in my direction. I lingered on my chair a bit before I went up to Anya who probably was way to curious about what happened and she wanted to know everything Clarke and I said yo one another.


	6. Sweet Sound of Ignorance

At the moment there was nobody, the last costumer had left twenty minutes ago and it didn’t seem like there would be a rush of people coming in soon. It wasn’t a busy day, only a few costumers every hour. Zoe, Anya’s employee, had called this morning that she couldn’t come to work today because she was ill. Since Anya already had the evening shift she asked Raven and me if we could open the bar in her place. That’s why I was sitting here in the most comfortable chair – I had tried them all, so I knew which ones were the best. Since there was nobody here I had put the music a bit louder and I sang along with Nina Simone. My legs were hanging over the armchair while my jasmine tea stood on a little table next to me. I was reading a book, one I had taken from the wall that was covered with books. Occasionally I changed a couple of them. I didn’t know if people who came here actually read those books but I did, so every time I noticed I had read almost all of them I replaced them. My shift was almost over and I was waiting for Raven to come in and take over. Off course she was late as usual. I had taken my shoes off and was into Simone’s vibe when the door opened and closed again. I sang a high-pitched tone and thought by myself Raven had finally arrived.

“Raven, I swear to God if you’re late next time I’m going to kick your ass!”, I said from behind my chair.

“I hope you don’t greet all your costumers like this?” an all too familiar voice asked jokingly.

I looked up from my book and two blue eyes were staring at me. From the shock my book dropped on the floor and I jumped out of the chair. I could feel how my cheeks reddened.

“Clarke! I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else. Shit, this is not professional, Anya is going to kick my ass if she hears this”, I rambled while I took my cup of tea and made my way over to the bar. I putted the volume of the music down. 

“It’s no problem Lexa, just relax,” her soothing voice said, “So you work here today?”

I gave a little nod as an answer. I followed her with my eyes, I watched her how she picked up my book and how the surprise formed in her eyes. She walked to the counter ass well and laid the book in front of me.

“That’s really heavy literature. Is it interesting?” she asked.

“Yes, I think every woman should read it. About somethings you can discuss the importance of it or if it’s accurate but in general I like it so far.” I replied while I laid my eyes on the title of the book. It was Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex, a keystone in feminism. I wouldn’t call myself a feminist, I just thought woman should be treated equally as man. I took a sip of my tea to break the eye contact we were having because it was getting intense in some way.  “Would you like something to drink?”

“Yes. Do you by any chance have some fresh mint tea?” Clarke answered.

“Oh Clarke, we have almost every tea you can imagine. Imported from all over the world, every flavour you want, we got it. I’m not saying this because this is my sisters bar but this is the best place in Brussels to drink some tea. You know that everywhere there are coffee shops but it’s hard to find a place where you can drink some proper tea. There are some places but their prices are ridiculous high. Sometimes I ask myself why they aren’t ashamed with their own prices.  They probably buy their tea in a regular store and sell it ten times higher. We don’t do this, we want to be as fair-trade as possible. Ooh, sorry, I’m rambling again. One mint tea coming up”, I said.

Clarke smiled the whole time. “It’s cute when you ramble. Just like your glasses, you should wear them more often. They suite you.”

“Most of the time when people buy a particular pair of glasses it’s because they suite them Clarke”, I replied while stressing the k. I ignored the first part because I had no idea if Clarke was flirting with me or not. Every time we met she would say such a thing and it confused me.

“Ooh a smarty-pants, aren’t we?” she answered jokingly.

I rolled with my eyes and gave her the mint tea while the door opened again. A young man entered the room and I saw how Clarke’s face lighted up. It was the brightest smile I had seen since we met.

“Wells!”, she screamed while she ran towards him and jumped into his arms. The man embraced her tightly and it felt like I was a witness of a too intimate moment. It seemed like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Clarke took his hand and walked to the bar.

“Lexa this is Wells. Wells this is Lexa”, Clarke said and the young man shook my hand. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Clarke took her mint tea and asked for another one before they made their way to a couple of chairs. It was far enough so I couldn’t hear their conversation but still close enough to see the smallest interactions. I tried to ignore them and distract myself with my book but their constant laughing made me look up from it. Was Wells Clarke’s boyfriend? Or was he just a good friend? I wandered, not that it was any of my business. Nevertheless, I was still interested in what the relationship was between those two. Who was this person and how could he make the blond laugh so hard? Somewhere deep inside I wanted to be the person to make Clarke laugh out loud. I wanted to be her friend as well because I had no idea if we even were friends. We texted each other sometimes and we have met one another several times now, but does that count? My eyes lingered all over the place but always rested a while longer on Clarke. Would she sense it I was watching her from time to time? Sometimes I could see her watching at me as well. Especially when she was stroking his hand and my eyes were locked on the movement. Clarke looked up and saw me trying to cover up my staring by putting my book in front of my face. Because of that I couldn’t see the smile that formed on Clarke lips before she turned back to the guy in front of her. From that moment on I focused on my book, determined that the guy was indeed Clarke’s boyfriend. 

“Can I have another tea please?” Wells asked while he stood in front of me with a small smile which showed his perfect white teeth. I could imagine he was the perfect boyfriend: kind, humorous and good looking. He irritated me already.

“Off course. I’ll bring it to you”, I said while putting my book aside. Which I did two minutes later.

The third time that hour the door opened and finally it was Raven who arrived. She made her way towards me and dropped her stuff in the backroom.

“You are finally here”, I hissed while I followed her into the backroom.

“Wow, someone is grumpy”, Raven answered.

“You are an hour late, what am I supposed to do? Welcome you with a grand gesture?” I asked sarcastically.

“What happened to you? Pms?” Raven replied.

“That’s sexist and you know it!” I raised my voice.

“Chill Lexa, it was only a joke. Sorry I’m late, my guest lecture took longer than expected. I’ll make it up to you by making dinner for you guys tonight. Does that sound alright?” she asked.

“You better make us dinner and bring a big bottle of wine”, I answered and it made Raven laugh.

We made our way back to the counter and yet again I was confronted with Clarke and Wells. I grabbed my shoes which were still laying underneath the table where Clarke had found me earlier. Therefore, I passed by the two of them and Clarke gave me a small smile. I only returned a fake one.

“You are unbelievable,” Raven said while she saw me putting my shoes on, “You are not staying any longer? Normally you don’t mind being here?”

“No, I’m going home”, I answered shortly. For some reason, I wanted to get out of here, even if this place was a kind of second home to me it didn’t feel right at the moment. I didn’t want to be here any longer.

“See you tonight Raven”, I said while I grabbed my stuff and left.


	7. Group X, no 3

“Hi Lexa, it’s Clarke. I hope you’re doing well. I’m calling because today there is an exhibition opening about Barbara Kruger. Maybe we can visit it together somewhere this week? If you’re interested text me or call me. Or you can always just text me. Bye”, Clarke’s voice said. It made me smile because it has been a while since I heard her voice. At the end of the voicemail I immediately called her back. It rang twice before I got an answer.

“Does it always take five days for you to answer a call?” Clarke asked.

“I’m sorry Clarke. I have been really busy the last week and I only checked my messages now”, I answered.

“Okay, I was thinking that maybe you were avoiding me for some reason”, she joked.

Was it a joke? Maybe I was unconsciously avoiding her? I haven’t had any contact with Clarke since I saw her last week with Wells. I had thought about texting her but for some reason I always thought she was too busy with this Wells-guy. On the other hand, I’m glad I hadn’t texted her because I had been extremely busy. It wasn’t a lie.

“So what do you think of my proposal?” Clarke asked after she noticed it had been quit on my side.

“I’d love to go to Barbara Kruger together, unfortunately I can’t this weekend. I’m in Stockholm now visiting a friend”, I explained.

“Ooh, if I’m interrupting you have to say so”, Clarke replied.

“I was the one who called you Clarke. You’re not interrupting anything. I’ll be back in Belgium on Tuesday, are you free that afternoon?” I asked.

“Yes I am!”

“Okay, great, I’ll text you when I’ll arrive. See you then Clarke”, I said.

“Bye Lexa. Have a nice time in Sweden”, she replied.

I said thanks just before I ended the call.

During the week Billie and I were skyping, it was the first time since she was in Stockholm we both had the time to do this. Otherwise we would call or text each other. She told me how an amazing experience it was to prepare this exhibition, how friendly the people were and how beautiful this city was. It was obvious Billie had a wonderful time. I envied her in a way because I wanted to say I was having an amazing time as well. It was the day after my encounter with Clarke and Wells and Billie had noticed something was bothering me. She tried to ask me through skype what was wrong but I tried to reassure her everything was all right. Billie wouldn’t be my best friend after all if I could fool her as easily as this. So, she asked me to come over for a few days because the opening was coming up and she would have more time after that. It would feel good to be out of town for a moment and I would like it here. Billie was right, it made me feel better to be away from everything and here I could put things in perspective. I arrived the day before yesterday but because Billie had to help the whole day in the gallery I wandered on my own through the city for the last two days. I enjoyed it, it felt like I was invisible. Nobody knew me here. I was waiting at Billie in front of a little eating place, we would grab lunch together due to it was Billie’s only free moment today. It was hectic for her, she had to finish the last things for the opening tonight.

When I saw a bun of dreadlocks turning around the corner I waved at her, we gave each other a hug.

“How are things going at the gallery?” I asked and Billie let out a little sight.

“It’s going okay, everything will be finished on time”, she said happily nevertheless I could see the tiredness in her body language. Yesterday she only arrived in the middle of the night.

“I’m sure it will be amazing. You’ll see tonight, they are going to love your work”, I reassured her while we made our way inside.

“We haven’t really talked yet since you’re here. How are you Lexa? Don’t you dare to say things like I’m fine, I know you better than that. And it’s obvious there’s something bothering you. Is Raven being a pain in the ass again?” she asked jokingly.

“Raven is actually being really sweet lately, I think she’s going to need something from me soon. It’s Clarke that’s frustrating me. I don’t have a clue what kind of relationship we have. We see each other once a week and we have a nice time, but does that make us friends? Or are we nothing more than acquaintances who keep bumping in to each other? I don’t know what she thinks of all of this and for some reason I’m afraid to ask”, I explained.

“Do you want to be friends with her?” Billie asked while she ordered knäckebröd and a salad.

“Yes, I do. She’s intriguing in some way and has very interesting opinions. You’d get along with her if you get to know her, she’s into art as well”, I replied and at the mean time I ordered some Köttbullar.

“It’s the first time you said you wanted to be friends with someone since Costia.” Billie said softly and it made me twist a bit. Hearing her name out loud was the same as reopening a sore wound. It wasn’t her attempt to make me feel bad, she never shunned Costia’s name like other people did. “You’re overthinking this Lexa. If you’re feeling comfortable in Clarke’s company and you guys get along well, then sure why can’t you be friends? You don’t have to hear each other every day. Don’t force this into something it isn’t.”

“I may or may not have done that already”, I whispered. I took a long gulp of my glass of wine before I looked up at Billie again. Thinking back to last week I shouldn’t have been annoyed like that. Sure, Clarke can have a boyfriend, it’s not like I was jealous? Why should I? Clarke and I are just friends, I shouldn’t have been so brutal.

“What did you do now?”, Billie asked while shaking her head.

Our food arrived and it looked delicious, this was what I was longing for, some typical Swedish food.

“I was working at Anya’s bar when Clarke suddenly arrived. We were having a nice conversation when a friend of hers walked in. From the moment they started talking on their own I might have been a bit distant towards Clarke”, I explained.

“Lexa you are such a little child sometimes”, Billie said in disbelief, “What do you expect? To have Clarke’s undivided attention every time you see her?”

I wanted to nod yes but I knew it was ridiculous and for my own good I gave a negative nod.

“I know, you are right. But I’m going to see Clarke on Tuesday. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I replied and it was Billie’s turn to nod, “You are an amazing friend Billie.”

“I am aware of it,” she laughed, “don’t you ever forget that.”

The rest of our meal we spoke about some trivial things but mostly about Billie’s art and her exhibition. Like I had predicted her exhibition was a huge success, she had sold several of her paintings and installations. Almost everyone was enthusiastic about her work and she even got a proposition to exhibit some of her works in a gallery in Berlin. Billie was beaming of happiness that night and a little bit because of the alcohol that flowed freely. I was a proud friend. Billie was right it was a great idea to come over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter refers to a painting of the Swedish painter Hilma af Klint.


	8. Enigma

I was running through the busy streets. There had been an accident on the railway and because of it not a single train rode between the train stations of Brussels. Luckily for my I already arrived in the north side and I only had to run for half an hour to arrive at the museum where I would meet with Clarke. Sure, I could have called her or texted her to explain the situation but I wanted to show her I could be on time. For some reason I always ran late, sometimes – like today – it wasn’t because of my own doing. I ran through the big streets and tried to avoid the busy shopping street, I cursed the fact that Brussels consisted of hills. I had to run upwards all the time. On the other hand, I was glad I went for a run twice a week otherwise I couldn’t do this. Before I entered the last street, I started walking and I tried to look as casual as possible. I took a deep breath to normalize my breathing. When I turned the corner, I could see Clarke waiting at me. Her blue eyes hidden behind sunglasses and her blond hair seemed even blonder in the sun. She was turning around all the time, it was obvious she was searching for someone. The moment she noticed me her smile went wide and she took her sunglasses off, revealing those beautiful eyes.

“Lexa! How are you doing?” Clarke asked while she gave me a kiss on the cheek as a greeting. I was glad my cheeks were still red because of the running otherwise she would have noticed how they reddened a bit.

“I’m doing great. How about you?” I replied and grabbed a bottle of water out of my bag, I had to drink this. I offered her a sip as well but she declined it.

“I’m really excited about this exhibition though, I think it will be fantastic. Kruger is one of my favourite artists.” she answered in excitement. She asked if we should go in and I gave an affirmative nod in return. I held the door and paid the entrance fee for the both of us, in the beginning Clarke protested but I could persuade her that it was a reciprocal service for the drinks she had paid the last time. From the moment we entered the first room Clarke was delighted, she knew almost every artwork and the meaning behind it. Every time she explained the political and social context the work was made in, I enjoyed it because for once it wasn’t me who had to talk all the time. I knew a couple of things about Kruger as well but I didn’t tell Clarke, I relished her excitement. She was always ahead of me, whereas I could stand still and watch at an artwork for a full ten minutes Clarke was too enthusiastic about the rest to last longer than five minutes. I was focused all the time on the artworks but for some reason my gaze fell upon Clarke who was standing in front of a work with the lines _Remember Me_ on it. Maybe it was because how the artificial light fell upon her body or how it was the first time she was so intrigued by a piece, however it was in that moment I fully noticed her beauty and I was struck by it. I had no idea how long I stared at her, I didn’t mind, the only thing I wanted was to capture that elegance and save it in my memory. Suddenly my eyes met a pair of blue ones and I saw a mischievous smile forming on her lips.

“Are you checking me out?” she asked while she came up to me. It was a question I certainly did not expect.

“No, no, no! I was lost in my own thoughts and-” I replied. I had no idea which excuse I could use because I was indeed checking her out.

“I’m joking Lexa,” she laughed and grabbed my hand. “Come on, let’s go out of here. We’ve had enough art for today. It’s a beautiful day, we can do something else.”

Clarke dragged me out of the museum, into a supermarket where she bought a baguette, grapes, cheese and a bottle of wine. After this she led me to a small park where there was almost no one, it was a park with a little pond and it belonged to a small castle. I had walked by this street so many times and I never noticed this, one of the many hidden jewels in Brussels. Clarke sat down on the grass and signed me to do the same.

“I figured since you just arrived from Sweden you probably had no time to eat. That’s why we are having a late lunch”, Clarke explained.

This woman was amazing. Truly, I hadn’t eaten anything since this morning, but I hadn’t been hungry until now. The sight of this little pick-nick in front of me made my stomach rumble and it made Clarke laugh. “Aha, so it is a great idea!”

“Do you mind if we both drink out of the bottle? We forgot to buy some cups.” She asked while opening the white wine. Yet again I gave an approving nod. “You are a woman of not that many words, Lexa.”

“It’s a bad habit of mine”, I replied and I took a big sip of the bottle.

“It isn’t something negative. Tell me something about Sweden! How was it? You have a friend who lives there?”

I made a little sandwich and gave Clarke one as well which she gratefully accepted.

“Billie, my roommate, has an exposition in Stockholm for the moment. I went to visit and it was nice.”

“Ooo come on Lexa, is this all I’m getting?” She whined, “I hardly know anything about you, I want to get to know you better. Please tell me more about yourself.”

“I’m not very good at talking about myself”, I said shortly. I never liked to speak about myself, I had no idea what people wanted to know about me and what they found interesting about me. I was the one who listened and observed.

“I know you have a sister named Anya and a roommate who’s called Billie. You study art history and work in a museum. That’s all I know, for the rest you are a mysterious girl.”

“Maybe I want to be mysterious?” I said it before I even knew it. It wasn’t meant as flirtation, was it? “There’s actually not that much to know about me, I’m just living a trivial life. What about you? I barely know anything about you as well. I only know you study biology and you have a friend named Wells. Is he your boyfriend?”

Clarke started to laugh out loud. “I’m sorry, that was funny. Wells isn’t my boyfriend, he’s my comrade, he is like a brother to me. Our parents are best friends and we grew up together. I don’t see him that often because he is always travelling around somewhere in the world. He just came back to Belgium from his bike trip to India, I hadn’t seen him in months. I wanted you to meet him, that’s why I took him to Anya’s bar but you were gone before I could properly introduce you guys to each other. I don’t blame you, you probably had better things to do. But to answer your underlying question, I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m living the happy single life. And you? Have you found happiness?”

“It’s unknown to me at the moment, my heart is an abomination”, I replied. I didn’t like the way this conversation was going, sure, it was my own fault I shouldn’t have brought the boyfriend question up.

“Those are some heavy words.” Clarke responded. “That’s the reason why I think there is so much more than you are revealing, it’s intriguing.”

I took another quaff of the wine, the bottle was almost empty. If we wanted to have these kinds of conversations I needed another bottle of wine. I looked up and suddenly blue met green, we stared at each other for a while. In a way it was intense, even if I wanted to look away I couldn’t.

“You see, even now in this intimate moment you’re still unfathomable. There is a kind of sadness in your eyes”, Clarke stated. Her announcement made me consume the rest of the wine. “You are an enigma, Lexa.”

I shrugged my shoulders, I didn’t think I was. “I have a proposal Clarke. I’m going to buy another bottle of wine which we’ll drink together and we no longer talk about my love life or my feelings. What do you think?”

“I never meant to cross a boundary”, she apologized.

“You haven’t. I just don’t like to talk about that stuff. Some people can talk about it without any problems, I’m not one of those people. The rest of the hour I want to relax and not worry about anything.”

That’s what we did, we didn’t talk about anything that made me uncomfortable. Clarke told me she moved to a little apartment outside Brussels because it was too expensive to live in the city any longer. She used to live together with Wells in a flat before he left to travel around. After that she rented the place for another year but it was too costly. I informed her about my apartment which I shared with Anya, Billie and most of the time Raven even if she didn’t officially live with us. By the time our next bottle was half empty, our conversation got interrupted by my phone that went off. Without looking at the screen I answered it.

“Hi Lexa, it’s Norah”, the voice on the other side replied. I wish I hadn’t answered the call.

“Ooh, hey Norah”, it was obvious in my body language and voice that I guarded myself immediately.

“How are you doing? Do you have any plans on Sunday? My parents are coming to town and we are going to have dinner all together. They invited you as well, they want to see you again. So, if you are free, you’re always welcome to join us.” She said.

“I can’t. During the day I have to guide a group and afterwards I’m going to help Anya in the bar. Maybe next time I can come”, I answered.

“Okay, it’s no problem. Remember, you can come over whenever you want”, she said friendly.

“I’ll pass by somewhere next week or the week after that”, I stated. Even if it wasn’t a physical conversation it was clear in my voice I distanced myself. It was a false promise.

“It was nice to hear you again, Lexa” Norah said. It was painful to hear how  sincere she was when the only thing I did was keeping her at a distance. “Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t. See you soon Norah”, I answered and ended the call. There it was again the hollow agreement.

Clarke looked at my curiously. “Your ex-girlfriend?”

“No, it’s much more complicated. But I must go now. This was nice Clarke, we should do this again”

It was her time to nod and she asked: “When do I see you again?” The question made me smile, because in a way I pushed her away as well today and she still wanted to see me again.

“Somewhere next week? I’ll text you! Who am I kidding you’ll probably going to text me first.”

It brought out this beautiful laughter of Clarke. “Yeah, because you are impossible to reach and even worse in taking the lead.”

Clarke gave me a little kiss on the cheek as a goodbye and I hurried towards the tram. I jumped on the next one and thought about that day. It was a good day, I had a nice time with Clarke but there was still something bothering me. A feeling off annoyance like I had left something unfinished. I pulled out my phone.

LEXA (18:14): I’m going to cancel Anya. I’ll have dinner with you guys on Sunday.

NORAH (18:15): Really? That’s great! My parents are going to be so happy.

NORAH (18:15): 19h30 at my place, can you be there?

LEXA (18:15): I’ll be there.

I didn’t know if this was the right thing to do, I didn’t look forward to it, nevertheless this was the point of no return.


	9. The Point Of No Return

“Why did I consent to go to dinner with them?” I asked Anya. It was Sunday afternoon. This morning I had my guiding tour and afterwards I went to the church with the local market in it. I had hoped to bump into Clarke at one point but it didn’t happen. When I came home I had made lunch with everything I had bought on the market and decorated the table with fresh flowers. Although it was kind of a ritual and I did this every two weeks, Billie, Raven and Anya always acted surprised. Maybe they were indeed surprised or maybe they thought acting surprised would make me feel flattered.

“I have no idea. If I’m being honest, it surprised me you considered to go and that you haven’t cancelled yet”, Anya answered while she poured a cup of tea and gave it to me. I accepted it gratefully. After our lunch the four of us talked for a while but it became obvious I was getting nervous so Anya had pulled me inside for a sister to sister conversation. Now we were sitting opposite each other in our grandmother’s chairs while Billie and Raven were still outside.

“Nevertheless it’s great that you are going. It will do you some good, I know it will.”

“Is it? What if they aren’t happy to see me? What if they are mad at me?” I replied.

“Why should they be mad at you?” Anya asked confused.

“Because I never answered? I never reached out to them?”

“You are like a daughter to them, Lexa. They won’t be angry, they know the position you are in. They will be happy to see you, believe me.”

“Maybe you are right, we’ll see.” I answered while I refilled my cup, “How are things going between you and Raven?”

“Really well” Anya started to smile spontaneously. “I actually wanted to talked to you about something. I’ve been thinking about asking her to move in together. Do you think she will like that?”

“Off course! You guys are crazy in love with each other and it’s about time you guys move in together. Is she going to move in here? It’s possible. Raven is here most of the time so it almost feels like she lives here. And we have the space, it could work. Or do you want to search for something new?” I asked.

“You wouldn’t mind if Raven would come and live with us?” Anya started beaming.

“No, you know I always loved Raven. If we clean up the rest of the cellar there is plenty of room where she can work on her mechanical projects. Billie is going to be happy about it as well.”

Anya started to laugh out loud. “You’re right about that, those two wouldn’t know what to do without each other.” She pointed outside where I could see Raven and Billie playfully wrestling. Raven held Billies head in her armpit while Billie was holding Raven her leg in the air so they were clumsy jumping around the garden. The sight made me laugh as well and for a moment I forgot how nervous is was for tonight.

 

 

 

Here I was, standing for a wooden door. The last time I’ve been here -five weeks ago- I was drunk, just like the time before and before that. Actually, for the last couple of months every time I stood on these doorsteps I’ve been drunk. I’m not proud of it. In the past this door held the place to my happiness, now I resembled it with my pain and everything I have lost. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I was already forty-five minutes late because I missed the bus, I couldn’t stand here forever.

The door swung open and Norah stood in front of me.

“Lexa, you are here!” She sounded cheerful. “Come in, mom and dad are in the living room.”

Slowly I made my way to the living room. I wanted to see them again but at the same time I had this urge to avoid them. I didn’t know where it came from, probably because I associated them with the best and the worst events in my life.

“Lexa! You are looking great”, a low voice stated. The man came up to me and wrapped his arms around me. His embrace held so many memories, it made me feel safe. It was the same arms who held me when I was fifteen and my parents just had died. At seventeen his hug comforted me after Costia broke up with me and a year later those arms welcomed me back in the family when we got back together. The last time he held me tight in his arms was ten months ago at Costia’s funeral. 

“Thanks Gustus”, I replied quietly.

“You are looking gorgeous indeed Lexa”, the woman behind Gustus stated. Indra came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “How are you doing my love? Is everything all right?” It was a sincere question, I knew they were worried about me. Especially Indra, she would always see right through my walls I put up, a characteristic her daughter had inherited.

“I’m doing fine. How about you guys?” I asked and got interrupted by Norah who offered me something to drink. A glass of wine would be perfect. I would not drink too much alcohol tonight, maybe one or two glasses. It shouldn’t get out of hand, I would behave today. Gustus left the room to help Norah in the kitchen and I was grateful for it. Truly I loved those three people but I had the same problem with Gustus and Norah, I couldn’t properly look them in the eye.

“We are good, still coping with everything. The company is doing great, Gustus has to travel around a lot while I’m holding down the fort.” Indra answered. She took my hand and held it, at the same time she looked at me and asked me again how I’m feeling but for real this time.

“It’s still hard sometimes. Nevertheless, is everything fine with me. Working in the museum, going to my classes and helping Anya in the bar are my weekly routines. The same old.” I downed the rest of the glass in one time.

“And with the drinking?” she asked quietly. It was a risky question and she knew it, but she never avoided them. It was her motherly instinct. I cursed Norah, off course she would tell her parents about the drunken nights. I wasn’t mad, I just preferred them not to know about it.

Our conversation got interrupted by Gustus who entered the room and informed us that dinner was served. Indra didn’t bring the alcohol question up for the rest of the meal. Only after my third glass she would glare at me and I knew she didn’t mean it as a bad thing, I signed her that it was my last one. Gustus acted so cheerful, probably happy to see all of us together. The rest of the evening he made jokes and quoted events from when we were younger. I wandered how he could do that? It annoyed me and I excused myself saying I had to go to the bathroom. Even if there was a toilet downstairs I automatically went upstairs to Costia’s room. In the small ensuite bathroom, I splashed some water on my face, the coldness was a welcoming friend. I gasped for some air and looked at myself in the mirror. Why was I doing this? Why was I here? I wasn’t ready for this, to see Gustus and Indra again, especially not here. They had every right to come here, this was the house were their daughters lived. It was the only place where I truly showed my grieving. I have cried and screamed at home as well, but it was mostly in the first three months. Now I only cry quietly in my room or here in Costia’s room. I dried my face and made sure my braids were still in place. I took a deep breath before I went back to the dinner party, pretending everything was fine between all of us, like nothing had happened. Or trying to ignore that the one person who brought us all together was buried under the ground. I saw how Indra, Gustus and Norah were laughing about something and realized I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t share their happiness.

“I’m sorry. I have to go, I can’t do this”, I said while I grabbed my jacked. I heard Indra’s voice behind me asking what was wrong and what the reason was of my early departure. Norah stopped her and said they had to let me go, I was grateful for that. Somehow Norah was one of the only persons who could handle my grieving and who understood my actions.

The moment the cold air hit my body, everything that had bottled up inside today was let out freely. Tears were rolling over my cheeks. I didn’t want to be this person, I wanted to be strong. In general I was strong, I could hide my feelings but sometimes little things triggered me and everything came out. Just like today. I took my phone and dialled a number. It ringed a couple of times before it went to voice-mail. I tried it another time, hoping I would have more luck.

“Lexa? Are you all right?” A surprised voice asked on the other side of the line.

“I need a friend”, I answered between my sobbing.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?” The surprise transformed into worrying.

“I’m at the bus stop where you dropped me off a couple of weeks ago.”

“Okay, stay there. I’ll be there within fifteen minutes.”

“Thank you Clarke”, I replied. Afterwards I ended the conversation.

I waited for Clarke and I had no clue if it was a good idea of me to call her. I could have called Anya or Billie instead, that would have been the logical choice. A car pulled up next to me and I saw a worried blond looking at me when I opened the door.

“Are you all right?” She asked when I sat down. “You have been crying?”

I nodded and when I took a proper look in the little mirror I noticed how my mascara had run all over my face due to the crying. I took out a handkerchief and tried to wipe the black lines away. “Yes, the dinner party was hard and complicated.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No. Not right now, maybe later. Can we just drive a bit?” I replied.

It was her turn to nod. She started the motor again and we left, driving between fields in the darkness for a while. We barely said anything to each other, sometimes it wasn’t necessary to speak all the time. It was exactly what I needed. Everything felt so sincere. I had no idea why I deserved a friend like her.

“Thank you for doing all of this Clarke.”


	10. Epicardium

I woke up in an unfamiliar bed, the sheets didn’t smell like my own nor Costia’s. The room was dark and quiet, I didn’t hear someone else breathing. However, I was afraid to turn around to find a person lying next to me. I gathered my courage and turned over. The moment I saw the rest of the bed was empty and cold, I led out a breath. I laid on my back and thought about everything that happened yesterday.

_Clarke picked me up and after driving around for an hour, she asked if she needed to bring me home or if I wanted to stay over at her place. I chose the latter. Apparently, the moment I called her, she had been at a dinner party herself with her mother, Wells and his parents. I felt guilty and said she shouldn’t have left for me but she reassured me it wasn’t a problem. She would always help a friend in need, that’s what we were: friends. When we arrived at her apartment Clarke warned me in advance for the mess, that morning she didn’t assume to take someone home. It was a small apartment but big enough for one person. A kitchen, small dining room, living room and upstairs the bathroom, bedroom and what I thought a storage room. Dishes were piled up in the sink, the dining table was covered with books about biology and some notes. Clothes were hanging on the chairs, I even found a bra in the couch which Clarke discarded immediately with red cheeks. It made me laugh. She handed me a cup of tea because to her own account she had noticed I never drink coffee. It was silent for a while but I liked how she didn’t push me to talk about anything. If I wanted to talk to her why I called her all the sudden, it was at my own pace and my own decision._

_“The dinner was with a friend of mine, Norah, and her parents. I’ve known them since I was eleven years old, they are like family to me. As in every family somethings happen and I hadn’t seen her parents for months now. It was the first time we were reunited. Things didn’t go as smoothly as planned and I walked out.” I told her._

_“Do you regret it?” She asked while she made some coffee for herself._

_“I don’t deplore going to dinner with them. It felt familiar and I know they were sincerely happy to see me again. The walking out? I don’t know. Normally I fight for what I love but today it was too hard. It makes me feel weak.”_

_Clarke walked in my direction and sat down next to me, putting her cup of coffee on the little wooden table._

_“Sometimes walking away is the strongest thing you can do”, her soothing voice said. Maybe she was right. She grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye without blinking once. For a moment, I thought there was some kind of attraction, I was drawn into her personal space or was Clarke slowly bending forward? Before anything could happen, I pulled my hand back under the guise of taking a sip of my tea._

_“Perhaps we should go to bed? It’s quite late”, I said._

_I noticed how Clarke had to process everything for an instant before she smiled and nodded. “I’ll show you the bedroom. You can sleep in my bed, I’ll sleep here on the couch.”_

_“No, no. The couch is fine with me. You don’t have to sacrifice your bed”, I protested._

_“Nonsense. You are my guest, you deserve to have a good rest”, she replied._

_Did that mean I just got degraded from a friend to a guest? Clarke got up and beckoned me to follow her. She led me upstairs, showed where the bathroom was and her bedroom. She gave me a big sized  T-shirt I could use as a pyjama. I had a feeling I somehow hurt her but she didn’t let me see it. She smiled all the time._

_“Goodnight Lexa”, she said before closing the bedroom door._

_The moment she did that, I looked up, clenched my jaw a bit and sighted deeply. It took me awhile before I fell asleep, I was overthinking everything._

I grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand and cursed myself when I saw all the missed calls and text message I got. I opened them one in a time.

Indra (22:47): I hope you are doing well Lexa. You are always welcome whenever you want my love. If you want to talk or drink a tea, don’t hesitate to call. I’ll give you as much time as you want, but I don’t want to lose you too.

Raven (23:09): Okay! I’ll text you tomorrow at what time I’ll be there.

Norah (23:13): Are you safe? Did you arrive well at home?

Anya (23:27): Where are you?

Anya (23:35): Norah texted me you left early. Don’t do anything stupid Lexa.

Norah (23:44): I hope you are not mad I texted Anya? I just wanted to know if you arrived safely since you don’t answer.

Anya (23:47): Call me!!!

Anya (23:52): Raven told me you texted her earlier, she’ll pick you up tomorrow.

Raven (09:13): I tried to call you twice. I’ll be there within half an hour, will you be ready?

Raven (09:46): I’m here!

Raven (09:50): Answer your phone, Lexa

“Shit”, I murmured out loud. I totally forgot I texted Raven last night to ask if she could pick me up because apparently Clarke only lived two streets away from Raven. My cell phone indicated it was already half past ten and I cursed some more. Knowing Raven, she would have left by now and I couldn’t blame her. Immediately I jumped out of bed and putted my clothes on, afterwards I made my way downstairs. I could hear distinctive chatter when I neared the kitchen. To my surprise I found Clarke talking with Raven.

“Sleeping beauty is awake!” Raven exclaimed when she noticed me.

“Have you been here the entire time?” I asked.

“Yes. Anya ordered me to get your ass home and she would make me regret it if I arrived without you. Since you weren’t planning on waking up early today, Clarke and I got acquainted with each other”, she explained.

My eyes wandered from Raven to Clarke and I noted how she smiled a little. She offered me a glass of water which I accepted.

“It was really nice getting to know you Clarke, but we have to go now. I need to drop this one at home and make sure I’m in time for my class this afternoon.” Raven stood up and poked her finger on my chest, “I’m going to wait in the car. You get your ass over there, asap.”

The moment we were alone I started apologizing that I only woke up this late. She could have woken me if she wanted. Clarke answered she didn’t, she knew how emotions could exhaust you so she wanted me to rest as long as I could.

“About last night-”, I started.

“Nothing happened so there isn’t anything to talk about”, Clarke interrupted me.

I understood, it was something she did for me. She knew I didn’t talk about my feelings, it made me feel awkward. She would avoid any situation where I would feel uncomfortable.

“Hope to see you soon, Clarke”

“You will. Raven invited me for a game night on Friday.”

“She did?”

“Do you mind?”, Clarke questioned.

“No, not at all! So, I’ll see you on Friday then.”

I wrapped my arms around her and said goodbye.

After I left the house, I dropped in the seat next to Raven.

“You invited Clarke for game night, why?” I asked.

“It’s time everybody gets to meet your little crush,” Raven laughed, “and it’s payback for letting me wait so long.”

“She’s not my crush”, I hissed.

“Okay, the rest needs to get to know your new friend as well. Clarke is a fun person, she would get along with everyone. It will be fun.”

Right, Friday will be nice. I looked forward to seeing my friends again, especially Clarke.  

 


	11. Artemis

“I’m going to take a shower”, I announced the moment I entered the house. I wasn’t waiting for a reply because I couldn’t hear anyone, my headphone was blasting some minimalistic music through my ears. Some sweet sounds which calmed me down. I ran up the stairs straight to the bathroom dying to take a shower. The university was half an hour away by bike and the warm weather was killing me. I needed this before my friends would arrive, before Clarke would be here. My dirty clothes dropped on the ground while I stepped under the ray of water. The water was dripping over my body, removing all the bad odours and sweat. My last class on Friday was a pain in the ass, it was boring as hell and lasted forever especially since it ended at 7 p.m. Somehow this class managed to make me feel irritated every time again. Tonight, I wouldn’t let it get to me. My friends were coming over and it had been ages since I last saw them. I always had a lot of fun with them, they were easy going, exactly my kind of people. 

I froze on the spot while I was standing at the entrance of the room, I felt like a leopard whose territory had been intruded.

“What are you doing here?” I was surprised, from all the people in the world I wouldn’t expect her to be standing in my room. My body was covered with a towel however I felt naked and vulnerable due to her presence. Here in this room.

“Hi, Lexa”, Clarke said while she turned around. I noticed a small duffle bag at the end of my bed. It was open and on top of everything I saw a red laced panty. My eyes pondered between hers and the bag. A silence settled in the room and my question was still lingering in the air. What was Clarke doing here, she wasn’t supposed to be here this early. My friends would only arrive within an hour.

“Billie said I could sleep here tonight,” Clarke announced while she closed her bag, “unless you don’t want me to?”

I narrowed my eyes a bit and looked at those blue eyes questionably. “Billie told you to sleep in my bed? With me?” I didn’t know what kind of game Billie, Anya and Raven were playing but I didn’t like it.

“Yes. No. Well, she told me I could sleep in your room and you two would sleep in her bed. She reassured me you would be okay with it. If you aren’t I suppose I can sleep somewhere else, I’m happy with everything.”

“It’s okay. You can sleep here but can you leave the room for a minute? I have to put some clothes on.” I said it while I pulled the towel closer to my body to make sure there was nothing visible. My hair was dripping on my back and it made me feel chilly. Clarke looked at me like it was the first time she noticed I wasn’t wearing any clothes. Only a small piece of fabric between my naked body and the rest of this room. It didn’t mean anything, this situation happened all the time with my roommates. However, what was the reason why I was so conscious about it this very moment?

“I’ll see you downstairs Lexa.” Clarke left with a little smile on her lips. I had no idea what it meant.

I planned to put some comfortable clothes on because we were going to play games and drink some wine. It was going to be casual, but after seeing Clarke I wasn’t sure anymore. She looked good. I didn’t want to feel like a potato bag in her presence, so no comfy clothes for me. But it had to seem like I didn’t put too much effort in my appearances. I pulled out a black pair of pants and a shirt with floral patterns on it. I dried my hair before combing it to one side and I putted my glasses on. I remembered how Clarke complimented me while wearing them a couple of weeks ago. After taking a last look in the mirror, I strolled downstairs. Dinner was probably almost ready, I hoped so because I was starving. The moment before I entered the living room I heard Clarkes enthusiastic voice. It gave me a warm feeling in my chest.

“This! This is what makes me love art. It’s amazing. The structures have so much contradiction and it intrigues me. Simple and straightforward. It’s hopeful but at the same time there is a dark undertone.” Clarke stated while she stood in front of the artwork. It was a large, abstract canvas, non-figurative. There were several kinds of structures on it: paint, beeswax, ink. The canvas was stretched perfectly but because of the different elements it seemed like there was motion going on. 

“Those colours are amazing. What’s it called?” she asked.

“Sappho”, Billie answered.

“You named it after the Greek poet?”

“You clearly know your classics.”

“An ancient woman who writes the most beautiful poems about love and lust but throws herself of the rocks when her love is unanswered?  Everyone should know her”, Clarke stated.

“That’s uncertain”, I said while I leaned against the banister. Watching how Clarke startled a bit when she heard an unexpected voice behind her. They both turned around.

“How do you mean?” her sweet voice asked.

“It’s a myth Sappho committed suicide by jumping off a cliff. It’s hypothetical. There is almost nothing we know about her life. The only things we know were written down by someone who lived hundreds of years later. It’s what people assume, but it’s uncertain.” I explained.

“Critical as always today.” Billie teased.

“I just wanted to get the facts straight. Although we barely know any facts.”

“It’s actually Lexa who came up with the name. She helped me create this work.” Billie explained while she patted on my shoulder.

“I didn’t know you made any artwork?” Clarke was surprised.

“I don’t. Usually.”

“She is my muse. Just like Sappho had a lot of muses.” Billie winked and it earned her a stern look of mine. “Ooh, come on Lexa, I’m just teasing you.”

“Hilarious. Come, dinner is ready.”

 

 

Octavia and Lincoln were the first ones to arrive, on time as always. They brought three bottles of wine like we don’t have our own stock pilled in cellar. Lincoln gave me a strong, warm hug while Octavia went straight to the kitchen. She opened one of the bottles she brought and poured herself a glass of wine.

“Hi Lexa! I’m going to give you a hug in an instant, I just needed this right now. I had an awful day at work”, she said while taking a sip.

“It’s all right if you pour me one as well!”

“And who is this?” Octavia asked as she noticed Clarke sitting in one of the French walnut chairs. She must have walked past her while entering the house.

“The blond goddess right over here is Lexa’s new lady friend” Raven answered. It made Clarkes cheeks turn red in an instant. Octavia turned her head with a questioning look.

“Clarke is just my friend.”

The next one to arrive was Bellamy, he brought some alcohol and snacks as well. It seemed like it was going to be a heavy night. I was ready for it. Playing board games were my speciality. None of my friends have been able to defeat me once during our game nights. It frustrated them, especially Raven. Every game night again it was her goal to let me loose. She didn’t necessary want to be the winner, it was just se wanted it to be someone else for once.

“You guys ready for the first game?” I asked while heading towards the cupboard which was filled with board games.

“Lexa seems eager to become Heda again”, Raven noted.

“I don’t become Heda, I am Heda.”

“Being cocky tonight? Trying to impress someone?” Raven teased.

“Em pleni!” I took a random board game out of the cupboard. The game was on, it was going to be war between Raven and me. The first game happened to be Risk, one of my favourites. I conquered the whole world in an instant, the rest wasn’t even a treat to me. The only one who had a bit of an inside in my battle strategy was Anya. Risk never was a challenge, the real one was Monopoly. We were playing it for two hours already. Lincoln and Bellamy were both bankrupt so they had to quit the game. Raven bribed Anya into being her ally otherwise they wouldn’t have sex in a week. Normally Anya was the one who stood up against Raven, but not on this matter. She knew Raven meant it, especially since she was determent to make me bankrupt as well. My coalitions with Billie, Octavia and Clarke were strong. There was no way Raven could defeat me. I owned the most important streets on the board and I had a bunch of hotels. Raven was going down and she knew it, I drained her bank account. We played for another hour before she finally gave up.

“Urgghh, I give up,” she sounded irritated, “I’m never going to win.”

“Told you, no one can be as good as Heda”, I said teasingly.

That moment a pillow hit me right in the face, it made me spill my glass of wine all over my pants.

“You have to much pride Lexa. Be careful before you end up like Icarus”, Raven answered while she threw another pillow at me. And a third one.

“You want it this way?” I asked while collecting all the pillows around me. I stood up throwing all of them on Raven one in a time. She jumped out of the couch and ran all over the kitchen, dining room and living room while these soft projectiles were flying over her head and hitting her body. I chased her. Our interaction made everyone else laugh. Occasionally she tried to pick one up and throw it back, but most of the times it missed. During one of her attempts Raven fell on the ground and she let out a small shriek when she saw me hoovering over her with two pillows in my hand.  

“You have brought this upon yourself Reyes” I said seriously before the two pillows repeatedly hit her.

“Stop, stop, you won”, Raven said while holding her hand in front of her face to protect it. It sounded almost like she was begging. I didn’t stop immediately. Raven Reyes never begged, I was going to enjoy this moment a little longer. It was only after my arms were getting heavy I showed mercy. With a deep breath I dropped back in my seat.

“You didn’t seem to be the wild type”, Clarke said after witnessing the whole scene.

“Appearances can be deceptive Clarke”, I answered.

“Lexa is wild. According to Billie, our commander over here is a real tiger in bed.” Raven announced and I could feel how this time it was my cheeks which reddened in an instant. They felt really warm and I didn’t dare to look Clarke in the eyes again. I hissed Ravens name. Really? Didn’t she learn her lesson a minute ago? Or was this payback? This wasn’t going to happen, we weren’t going to do this. My current sex life wasn’t going to be the talk of the evening. They could talk as much as they wanted about their escapades, but mine was mine only. 

“What? If you are amazing in bed why should you deny it? You should acknowledge it. Be proud.”

“I didn’t realize you and Billie were a couple”, Clarke said. For an instant, nobody said a word before we all started to laugh out loud.

“No, no Clarke. Lexa and I are definitely not together”, Billie replied.

“Oooh, but you-?”

“Yes we did have sex. Once. It’s been a long time ago. Billie and I were younger and one evening god knows how, we ended up sharing the bed. Afterwards we realized it was never going to happen again.”

“Yeah. Not because of the sex, it was good, amazing actually. But Lexa and I? A relationship would be impossible, we wouldn’t work together. Best friends, nothing more.” Billie smiled.

“Enough for tonight, I’m going to bed”, I announced. Standing up way to fast, it made my head spin a bit. I clearly had enough alcohol in my body and the pillow fight with Raven had made me feel tired. I said goodbye to everyone before heading upstairs. Quickly I changed my clothes for my pyjama. It was a long black dress with bare shoulders and a snit until my upper leg. The moment I left my room to crawl into Billies bed I stumbled into Clarke. Her hands were on my stomach to prevent us to collide.

“I’m sorry”, I mumbled.

“Don’t be,” she answered while she took a step back, removing her hands, “thank you for heaving me here tonight. It was fun.”

“You are always welcome to join us next time”, I smiled and stepped out of the doorway so Clarke could go in.

“You look beautiful Lexa”, Clarke said while pointing towards my peignoir.

“Thanks. Reshop, Clarke” I replied and gave her a small smile.

“Goodnight Lexa” I heard before I closed the door.


	12. Cumulonimbus

The first sunrays were entering the room, it had to be 5.30 a.m. I’ve always been a light sleeper and since Billie refused to have any curtains in her room I was wide awake. She wanted to wake up with natural light and if she fell asleep she wanted to be able to see the stars. Billie her window was open and a chilling breeze found his way inside the room. I turned around several times trying to fall back asleep but it didn’t work. I let out a sigh before I stood up. Sleeping in my own bed was out of the question, Lincoln and Octavia were sharing the bed on the attic in Billies workspace and Bellamy was sleeping on the couch.

“You can go for a run?”, Billies sleeping voice murmured.

“It’s way too early for that”, I replied.

“Nonsense. You like to go for a run as early as possible.” She turned around so she could face me. Her eyes were little, she could barely open them. She was right though, when I went for a jog I always did it at 7 a.m., before the traffic got all crazy and the air filled itself with polluted gases.   

“My sports bra’s are in my room, I can’t just go in there and grab one”, I explained trying to find a reason to stay inside.

“Grab one out of the dirty laundry?” Billie said it like it was the most obvious thing to do.

“That’s gross”

“There are way more nastier things to do in life. Please, make up your mind so I can go back to sleep.”

“I assume you’re not joining me?” I asked and I got a soft growl as an answer.

I took the tram to the park and went for a run like Billie suggested. It was a great idea there was almost nobody there and I could enjoy all the different shades of pink and orange that were formed in the sky while the lovely vibes of Grace Jones were playing on my iPod. It was a way to clear my head and to think about the night before. It had been a very pleasant evening. It was amazing how easily Clarke blended in, she got along with everyone and I was sure they all liked her as well.  It had made me happy to see them interact like they knew each other all along. On my way home I stopped at the bakery and bought a whole bunch of croissants and other pastries as well as oranges to make some fresh orange juice. By the time I got home it was already 7.30 a.m. Still way too early for anyone to be awake, except for Anya. She was sitting in the garden, reading a book with a cup of fresh brewed coffee next to her. I made a cup of tea for myself before I joined her in our little garden.

“Where do you come from?” Anya asked surprised. She wasn’t surprised to see me this early in the morning, it was rather the fact I just entered through the entrance door with some food.  

“I went for a run and bought some breakfast on my way home,” I explained, “Billies room isn’t the best one for me to get some sleep.”

“At what time did you wake up? You look very tired.”

“Around 5h30. I may be a little tired, but I can live with it. Later I’m going to take a shower and it will be refreshing.”

Anya had put down her book and took a look at me. “What? You only slept for three hours, Lexa. You can sleep in my bed, there is some space now.”

I nodded my head in a negative way. “I’m not going to sleep next to Raven when she still thinks she’s waking up next to you.”

“Fair enough.”

It made us both laugh.

“So..Clarke” Anya stated. It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t an explanation. Anya didn’t intent to force me to speak about what was going on between Clarke and me or what she meant to me. Even if she would ask it, I wouldn’t know what to answer. Clarke was funny, beautiful and her presence always lightened my mood. Nevertheless, that didn’t mean there was something going on between us. Sure, there was some kind of attraction between us but maybe it was pure platonic?

“Clarke” I replied.    

“She’s nice. Terrible at board games- “

“Not as terrible as your girlfriend who is aching for power and can’t stand it if she’s losing.” I interrupted my sister.  

“Yeah, that little manipulating monster can’t stand it if you are being the Commander.” Anya laughed.

“Speaking about Raven, have you already asked the question?”

Anya nodded her head. “Still waiting for the right moment. After yesterday I can’t ask her right away.”

“Why?”

“Because she’ll hold a resentment for a couple of days against Heda. How on earth can I ask her to move in with us?”

I nodded affirmative. “I see your point”, I said with a small smile.  

After my tea was finished I went upstairs to take a shower, to feel clean again. Some fresh clothes helped me with that. The next one to wake up was Billie, my conversation with Anya had woken her. That’s the disadvantage of sleeping with your windows open. She was followed by Bellamy who couldn’t withstand the smell of the fresh coffee. Octavia and Lincoln arrived next, they couldn’t sleep any longer due to the small double bed that wasn’t comfortable anymore. Hesitant Clarke descended the stairs. She probably wasn’t sure if anyone was already awake, the moment she all saw us sitting outside she joined the table. Her eyes immediately found mine and it gave me a reassuring feeling. I urged Anya to wake up her sleeping girlfriend so we could all share some breakfast together. It was a nice gathering, we all shared some laughs together and enjoyed each others company. In that moment, I was genuinely happy. After brunch Lincoln, Octavia and Bellamy had to leave for a Blake family party. With their departure, a kind of peace settled down in the house. The rest of us separated and went to do their own thing. While Billie went to the attic to make some art, Clarke followed her upstairs and Anya & Raven sat outside talking. It was in that instant I could feel how tired my body was. I needed some rest and before I even realised I dragged myself to my own bedroom. That’s where I found Clarke.

“Lexa”, she said clearly not expecting me here.

“Clarke”, I nodded.

“Thank you for all of this. You have an amazing group of friends.”

“My friends think you are amazing as well”, I replied.

“And you?” Clarke asked daringly and a smirk formed on her lips.

I didn’t answer her question. Instead I got a closer look at the object she was holding. The moment I saw which book she was reading my whole body paralyzed. My eyes went wide and I held my breath without realizing it. Clarke noticed the shifting in my body language as well.

“Lexa? Are you okay?” She asked while I could feel her gaze on me.

“Can you just go?”, it was more a whisper.

“What’s happening? Did I do something wrong?”, the raspy voice asked.

Clarke tried to interlock her eyes with mine but I avoided them. I didn’t want to see those blue eyes now. I approached Clarke and when I stood in front of her, I took the book right out of her hands.

“Please go”, my voice sounded steadier. It was clearly I wouldn’t ask her again.  

Clarke stood up from the bed. In a last attempt, she tried to grab my hand, probably to calm me down, but I pulled it away before she could make any contact. It was a clear sign. With a confused look and with her head down Clarke left the room. Immediately I heard a couple of voices downstairs.

I let myself fall on my bed and crawled in a foetal position. I held on the book like it was my life, it was my life. Or it rather represented a huge part of it. The back of the book was cracked on so many places because it had been read for about 30 times. The pages smelt a bit mouldy like old books do and the pages had turned yellow by time. On the first page a little text was written down in a gracious handwriting.

 

 

> _Dearest,_
> 
> _May these writings enlighten you as they did with me. May they let you fall in love with life again. I know you will enjoy them as much as I did. They will absorb you and you’ll hold on to them in more ways than you possible can imagine. Let this book guide you to become an even more beautiful and strong woman than you are today._
> 
> _Yours truly,_
> 
> _C._

 

I couldn’t help it but tears were rolling over my cheeks after reading this little text. I had read it a hundred times before but every time it touched me again, more than before. The book was a collection of fragments from Virginia Woolf’s diary, a writer Costia adored and looked up to. Costia had found this book in a little old bookshop in Ireland and fell immediately in love with it. I think it was the book she had read the most. We were together for a while already when she gave it as a gift to me. She was right, I adored this book. The writings were amazing. Virginia Woolf truly was an amazing writer. Nevertheless, the real reason why this book was so dear to me was because of all the little things Costia had written on the side line and the many things she had underlined. You could notice dried little droplets here and there probably from tears and wine and coffee marks. In a way, this book told more about Costia than it did about Virginia Woolf. Even after she had given the book to me she still stole it from time to time to write and underline new things. Sometimes you could see when some alternations were made. On some of the last pages she had made her last changes. Costia had highlighted a couple of sentences in one of Virginia’s letters:

 

 

> _I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. (…) You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. (…) What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been._

 

She must have highlighted it during the last weeks of her life. I only found it after her death.

In the meantime, the voices downstairs didn’t stop their conversation, sometimes the arguing became even louder. I could hear someone say my name with a raised and slightly angry voice. I ignored it completely, if they wanted to talk to me they had to come upstairs. I knew there would be a confrontation with either Billie or Anya but the confrontation would come to me. I was sure of it. Especially after I heard the front door opening and closing again. I dried my tears, I didn’t want them to see I had been crying.

“What did you say to Clarke?”, Billie asked while entering my room. Normally she would always knock before coming in, the fact she didn’t bother doing this now meant she was serious and probably angry as well.

“I didn’t say much”, my voice revealed I had been crying.

“Enough to make the poor girl feel unwelcome. She came downstairs all confused and she didn’t know what she had done wrong”, Billie explained.

“I told her she had to go. She was reading Costia’s book and-”

“You have to stop doing that!”, Billie exclaimed.

“Doing what?” I asked because I had no idea what I had done wrong. I shifted from the foetal position to sitting straight against my bedframe.

“Lexa, I love you but since Costia died you can be a real bitch”, Billie told me. She noticed how I wanted to say something and interrupted me before a sound came out of my mouth, “Costia has died, we all know how you feel. We have lost our friend as well.”

“You have no idea, nobody knows how it feels to lose your lover. To see a young and strong woman starting to hate her body and losing fate in life!” I yelled. Now it was my turn to be angry.

“Lexa,” Billie took a deep breath after saying it, “I’m going to say this once. I’ll say it because you mean a lot to me and you must hear this. Frankly I’m one of the only persons you listen to so it’s my job to do this. I know you are hurting, it’s normal you lost the person you loved. Nevertheless, you should realise you are not the only one who is hurting. Gustus and Indra lost their daughter, did you even think about the effect it has on them if you ignore their calls? You are like a daughter to them but they never see you or hear from you. It’s like they are losing you as well. What you are doing to Norah is even worse. You only go to her when it suits you. Do you have any idea how she feels when you show up drunk in the middle of the night? They are Costia’s family, they were a huge part of who she was. It’s not fair how you treat them, not to them, not to Costia. Why are you so afraid to see them again? As your friends, they will always support you. Sometimes they just don’t know which things they can say to you and which things they can’t. You can snap for the littlest things, just like you did with Clarke today. Clarke doesn’t know a thing about Costia, how do you expect her to know the importance of that book? You do things like this all the time. Anya, Raven and I we can open our mouth and tell you when you’re crossing the line. The rest of your friends can’t, they should because sometimes you cross it hard. We forgive you because we know you don’t intent to do this and we care about you. We know it’s the bitterness and sadness talking sometimes, nevertheless you don’t have to talk to us like that. We are here for you, we always will be you know it but that doesn’t mean you can just walk over us when you’re feeling like it. You may be the person Costia knew the best and I don’t claim you can’t grieve anymore. The only thing I’m saying is, get your head out of the ground and look around because you’re not the only one who is hurting.  I know you are trying to get your life back together but you must acknowledge to yourself that you’re still falling apart and the main reason is because of your own doing. Clarke came into your life, she’s been so good to you and she has a positive influence on your life. So why are you trying to push her away? You don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to feel guilty, you can meet new people and make new friends. I think you should apologize to Clarke for your behaviour, I’m certain she would appreciate it. You are better than this Lexa, don’t dwell in your own pettiness.”

A lot of feelings were going through my body while Billie had said all of this. From anger to sadness to disappointment, I think I had felt every possible emotion. Things had to sink in, her words overwhelmed me and I didn’t know if I agreed to them or not. Without another word, Billie left the room. Probably to make a statement which wasn’t necessary because she already made one. I sat in silence for a while before I pulled out my cell phone.

Lexa: I’m sorry.

Lexa: You want to meet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lines Costia highlighted are taken from Virginia Woolf's suicide letter to her husband.


	13. Costia

I loved those hot summer days in the city and I hated them at the same time. It was nice to go to the parks and forests at the outskirts of Brussels. It was a lively city, very multicultural and I loved it. On those warm days, like today, you could smell all the fresh flowers, vegetables and fruits on the corners of almost each street in this quartier. On the other hand, you could smell and feel the air pollution as well, it always became worse when it was hotter outside.  I was wandering through the streets. Half an hour ago, I finished my guiding tour and I had no intention of going home. It had been a tiring week. I had finished all my papers which meant a week where I only slept five hours a night, attending those last classes and preparing for my exams which were coming up. Another issue was Clarke. She never answered my text messages. I couldn’t blame her, the way I acted and reacted last weekend was wrong. I knew that. I had called her twice the last couple of days and had send her some texts. I never received an answer. Clarke was clearly ignoring and avoiding me. I deserved it. Billie and Anya were still angry at me for being my stupid self, we avoided the subject.

“Clarke?” I asked to myself when I saw a blond woman walking on the other side of the street. Her posture and blond hair, it had to be her. I repeated her name, this time it was louder and I almost screamed it. The woman didn’t turn around, instead she kept on walking. I ran towards her while repeating her name. Suddenly she stopped and my eyes met with those all too familiar blue ones.

“Lexa?” Clarke sounded surprised. I didn’t know if she was relieved or annoyed that we bumped into each other like this.

“I have tried to call you.” The moment I said it I realised it wasn’t the best thing to say. We both knew she was ignoring me.

“You know Lexa, it may come as a shock to you, but I have feelings too. I can’t let you toss me around like this. You repeatedly pulled me closer to push me away again.” Clarke said while walking away from me.

“Wait!”

“For what?” she asked. She didn’t even bother to turn around. 

“Please”

“What do you want? Tell me.” She sounded a bit angry.

“Wait for me.” The sentence meant more than the here and now. I didn’t really know what I meant with it. I just wanted Clarke to wait for me. I had to get my life back together, find my equilibrium and inner peace again. After I managed that, for some oddly reason, I wanted Clarke to still be there. “Can we go somewhere and talk a bit?”

Clarke nodded. She didn’t say much but I noticed how she softened a bit.

“We can go to Anya’s bar? It’s closed today and I have a key. Nobody will interrupt us there.”

 

 

“I am so sorry for last weekend. I didn’t treat you right while you’ve been nothing but kind to me.” I told Clarke while I got her a cup of coffee. We’ve settled down in the back corner of the bar. Clarke was sitting in an old Chesterfield while I dropped in a chaise longue. A jar of water was placed on the table as well, next to my tea pot.

“Thank you,” Clarke took a sip from her coffee, “Yeah, you were a kind of a bitch.”

Those words took me by surprise for a moment, I didn’t expect Clarke to be so to the point. I couldn’t blame her, I acted like a total bitch. I wanted her to understand why I did everything I did.

“I have lost someone. Her name was Costia. We were together for four years when she died.” I threw the words out there, into the world.  It was quiet for a moment. Clarke’s eyes softened, she had to take in the heaviness of my words and I had to realise I actually said them out loud. It had been months since the last time I told someone that Costia had died.

“How was she?” Clarke asked.

“She was the strongest and most beautiful woman I’ve known,” I answered. Talking about Costia and thinking about all her good qualities made me instantly smile, “she had such a big heart, filled with love for everyone and everything.” 

 

_The sunrays were burning on my face. It was going to be a warm day, even thought it was still quite early, we could feel it’s heat already. The night before Costia and I had putted her matrass in the garden. Norah wasn’t home so we could do whatever we wanted. It wasn’t an easy task to bring that giant matrass downstairs and it would be even harder to bring it back upstairs, but we didn’t mind. We wanted to sleep under the stars, so that’s what we did. Accompanied by two bottles of wine she educated me about all the different constellations and their mythological background. Costia always said to me it was a shame I didn’t know anything about the stars. In my opinion I didn’t need to know a thing about stars to appreciate their beauty. Nevertheless, I didn’t mind her explaining everything to me. She was so adorable when she tried to explain me something, especially because she used a lot of hand gestures._

_Costia was laying on her stomach, her hands under her head. Her face was turned to me and her long brown curled hair was spread all over her naked back and the matrass. I could see the beginning of her well-formed breast and it made me think of the many times we made love last night. The bedsheet covered almost nothing, her long, tanned legs came peeping underneath the bedsheets. Seeing her here, made me long for her all over again. Such a beautiful woman. I kissed her back on several spots and it made her grumble something in approval._

_“Wakey, wakey, gorgeous”, I whispered._

_“Just one more minute”, Costia mumbled. It made me laugh, I knew those one-more-minutes, it meant she wouldn’t wake up for the next half hour. Instead of trying another attempt to wake her up, I went inside and made a preparation for some breakfast. In the meanwhile, I grabbed a book and started to read for the next forty-five minutes before Costia would wake up and join me for breakfast._

_“Are you sure you want to go by yourself?” I asked while making some toast, “I can cancel and come with you? They can easily find another guide for today.”_

_“That’s sweet but you don’t have to do that. It’s just a regular doctor’s appointment.” Costia answered and afterwards she stole my toast which made my eyes role._

_“I know. Still, I worry.”_

_“You don’t have to.”_

_“I hope so”, I answered and kissed her soft lips._

 

Clarke nodded in understanding. It was hard to describe a person you love and not exaggerate their qualities. I didn’t want to become melancholic or too sentimental. It was the danger of this topic, it always made me feel sad. I had to fight it today because I didn’t want to have a breakdown in front of Clarke. However, we had to have this talk if we still wanted to have the possibility of being friends. I had to open up to Clarke.

“What happened?”

“She had a heart disease. Her heart was failing and therefore her body as well. That’s what Costia hated the most, her body letting her down. She was a strong and beautiful woman but in the end she felt weak. She could only walk for short distances otherwise she couldn’t breathe normal. She couldn’t go up the stairs anymore, I had to carry her every time. We had to wait for a suitable donor heart, we never got one in time” I explained.

 

_The day had been exhausting. For me, but especially for Costia. After having lunch together in the centre and going to a doctor’s appointment, we arrived in a house that was packed with people. Almost everyone was here and I was surprised by their appearance in my living room. Raven & Anya, Gustus & Indra, Norah, Billie, Lincoln & Octavia, hell even my granny was here. They were all happy to see us and each other again. Underneath the happiness I could see some worried faces, particularly from Anya, Billie and Norah because they were the only ones who knew Costia had a doctor’s appointment today. Nevertheless, they wouldn’t spoil the joyful atmosphere. _

_“Costia. I told you, you didn’t have to do this,” I whispered while I turned around to face my girlfriend, “All those people are going to be too tiring for you.”_

_“Don’t mother me, I can handle this. Besides it’s your birthday, we can’t celebrate it alone?” she answered followed by a fast peck on the cheek._

_I spun around my axil and faced my friends and family again. This time I had a huge smile on my face. It was a very lovely evening. Indra had made some delicious dishes, she was one of the best cooks I’d ever known. It was cosy, it had been ages since all of us had been together. We had these kinds of gatherings all the time, different generations with their miscellaneous visions on life debating over even the most piddling topics. Since Costia’s health was getting worse it wasn’t possible to do this anymore. Too many people in one place made her feel tired in an instant. She thought tonight was worth it, it was and it made me love her even more. But from the moment I noticed it all was getting too much for Costia, I called it quits. Everyone could stay longer if they wanted but Costia and I were heading to bed. After saying goodnight to everyone I took Costia in my arms and carried her up the stairs. Lately it became more difficult for her to take the stairs, it asked too much energy of her._

_Costia was laying on her side while I got into my pyjama’s, waiting for me to join her._

_“Thank you for tonight”, I said and kissed her on her forehead._

_“It was fun, wasn’t it?” she asked and I nodded._

_Costia turned around, laying on her back now, when I laid down next to her. My eyes followed the forms of her body. From her brown hair, too her amazing breasts, the place where her pacemaker is and back to her lovely eyes. Her beautiful body._

_“I wish we could have sex. Or at least that I could give you some pleasure,” Costia said as she noticed how I was looking at her. “I’m sorry my body is this weak.”_

_“Hey, don’t say that! You are not weak. Don’t think about sex, it’s not important anyway.” I replied caressing her hair._

_“It is an important part of a relationship, you can’t deny that.”_

_“Your health is more important than my sexual desires. Thereby we will have sex again, you don’t have to worry. Once you get a new heart, you’ll have no idea what I’ll do with your body.” I smirked._

_A beautiful laughter rolled over her tongue as she snuggled into my arms. Her breathing became heavier._

_“One day I’m going to marry you Lexa Woods”, Costia’s voice murmured before she fell asleep._

_I gave her a kiss on the lips and started crying in silence.  I was afraid because I had no idea how much time we had left together._

 

In the meantime, I was already drinking my fourth cup of tea. Maybe it was getting late or maybe all the talking made me thirsty.

“When did she die?” Clarke asked. It was clearly she doubted about asking this question.

“Eleven months ago next week”, I answered while pouring yet another cup of tea. The moment I putted the tea pot back on the table Clarke grabbed my hand and held it for a moment. We looked at each other.

“Are you okay Lexa?” It was a simple question, probably the simplest one you could ask someone. I gave an affirmative nod.

“Do you think you are moving on?” Another tricky question.   

“Since Costia died I hold a huge grudge against the world. Nothing was next. I thought I was moving on, you know. I was getting used to her not being here. I had this illusion I was getting my life back on track but that wasn’t true. I drink a lot. I drink to forget, the pain and the loss. I thought for a long time if there was pain there was no moving on. And sometimes it feels like I’m losing my mind. Little things can trigger me, Sunday was the living proof of that. I don’t want to use this as an excuse for my behaviour, there is no excuse. I just want to apologize to you Clarke.”

 

The time had gone by so fast, it was already getting dark the moment Clarke and I left the bar. We had been there for hours without realising it. Not that it mattered.  

“Thank you for telling me this Lexa.” Clarke said and she took a step closer, closing the gap between us. She threw her arms around me and gave me a sincere and warm hug. She didn’t say anything else and she didn’t have to. Here we were, two friends still getting to know each other, but already bound on so many levels. Clarke had handled this afternoon amazingly. She didn’t feel pity and if she did, she didn’t let me see it. She could ask the right questions and dared to ask a couple no one else did.

 

 

 

“Can I come in?” I asked to the wooden door after I knocked on it. A positive answer came and when I opened the door I saw Raven and Anya spooning. It made me smile a little, they were such a good team and so good for each other. They had been together for two years now, there had been ups and downs in their relationship but it was obvious they loved one another. When I saw Raven and Anya together I hoped that one day I would have such a relationship with someone again, they gave me hope. Anya lifted the blanket a bit and patted on the side in front of her.  
“I hope you are wearing something”, I said while I made my way to the bed.  
“You think you got any chance being in this room while one of us was naked?” she replied.  
I let out a small laugh and laid down next to Anya. It was something we did since we were little, occasionally we would lay in bed together and talk about everything we did that day. In the beginning of their relationship Raven didn’t like the fact I joined them in their bed but now she got used to it. I even think she got a little fond off it but she would never admit it.  
“How was it at granny’s?”, I asked.  
“Sweet as always”, Raven answered while she snuggled deeper into Anya’s neck.  
“You only say that because she made your favorite pie again”, Anya replied.  
“Favorite pie for her favorite person”, Raven retorted and as an answer Anya pinched her.  
“She was doing great today, better than the last time. She asked about you but I told her you had to work today and that you would call her tomorrow”, Anya stated.  
A knock interrupted the conversation and it didn’t take long before a Billie entered the room.  
“I thought I heard you guys talking and there is no way I would miss this little moment”, she said while she quickly ran towards the bed, climbed into it and pulled the blanket over her. Her dreadlocks were sprawled over my face and tickling my skin so I obliged her to put them in a bun otherwise I would kick her out of the bed immediately.  
For any other person who would enter this room the view might seem weird, four girls spooning each other in a bed that was just big enough. Not for us, this was our little moment of intimacy, sincerity and equanimity. It wasn’t strange, not for my little family.  
“I’ve seen Clarke today after my work”, I said.  
Someone in the bed shifted and I could see Raven leaning on her arm so she would have a better look at me, “So you guys went on a date?”  
I gave Raven a stern look. “She’s been ignoring me for a week. No, we bumped into each other on the street and I asked her if we could talk. I wanted to apologize for what happened.”  
“Aaaaand? How was it?” Anya asked while she poked me in the side.  
“It went well. I told her about Costia. She was really understanding and handled it perfectly. She was amazing.” I answered. Before they could say another word, which they would considering their gaze, I changed the subject to Billie by asking how her day went and she told us how lovely her hike in the forest was and when she was back in Brussels how she stumbled into this little bar where there was a jazz band playing. She assured us she would take us there the next time.  
“I think I’m falling in love with Clarke”, I revealed. I didn’t know why I said it, that sentence came out of my mouth before I realized it. I didn’t know what it meant, no, that’s not true I knew exactly what it meant. I was- I am falling in love with that gorgeous woman. Nobody said a word, instead I felt how Anya and Billie shuffled a bit closer to hug me while Raven threw her arm around Anya and me in an attempt to participate in the hug. The calmness that settled in the room was holding so many things. They all knew how hard it was for me to say this and how it scared me, however they were aware of the fact how Clarke made me smile again. We held on each other for a while like this, probably the biggest part of the night. In the morning, we would complain about how a bad idea it was to sleep in the same bed and we would nag about our sore muscles. Not in this moment, now I laid into the arms of my little family and it was exactly where I needed to be.


	14. Soul Vibrations

It was a Friday night and the bar was packed with people. Six Spanish friends who were travelling around Europe were playing Balkan music in local bars and tonight their stop was _Grounders_. It was a huge success. Anya her bar had always been successful, but nights like these were not that common. It was so crowded up until the point that people had to wait outside and listen to the muted music. Anya and Raven were away for the whole weekend, so I had to cover a lot of shifts. I didn’t blame my sister for spending some time with her girlfriend because I knew how rare it was for Anya to take the whole weekend off.  Nevertheless, it was already around 23h and I had been working since 15h, my feet were hurting. And it didn’t seem like the evening would end early. Zoe ended her shift two hours ago and now it was just Billie and me. The music was up beating and people were dancing all over the place. I just had served a guy some drinks when a pretty blond came up to the bar. I didn’t notice her right until the moment she stood in front of me, ordering three beers.

“What are you doing here?” I asked surprised. I haven’t seen Clarke in three weeks, the last time we spoke to each other in person was the moment I told her about Costia. We both had been busy with our exams, so we only texted.

“It’s an evening out with friends of mine”, she answered while she pointed to Wells and a woman I hadn’t seen before.

“And from all the bars you decided to come to this one?” I didn’t mind, I liked it to see her again. I only wished the circumstances were different, where I wouldn’t have to work and she wasn’t here with her friends.

“Maybe I was hoping a certain beautiful bartender was working tonight”, she winked.

“Lucky you, Billie is working over there.” Ooh my humour. It made her eyes roll.

“So how are you doing?”

“You know working all day” I said stating the obvious. “How about you?”

There was no time waiting for a response because other costumers were waiting impatiently. I gave Clarke the three beers and reassured her these were on house. She thanked me with a beautiful smile. While serving the others I couldn’t get my eyes of Clarke. The way she was dancing on the music made me want to dance next to her, with her. She was swinging her hips on the rhythm, god, it was beautiful to watch. Seeing Clarke enjoy the music, the moment and her friends, it gave me a warm feeling. Occasionally I noticed how she glanced a couple of times in my direction as well, we would exchange some smiles. Besides Clarke, it was the person next to her that gained my attention. The beautiful woman was dancing with Clarke. The way her body moved in the same directions as Clarkes, like they had known each other for a long time. It made me feel uncomfortable to watch them and if I was being honest to myself, it made me feel a bit jealous of the other woman.  I wanted to be the person who was standing there and who could feel the closeness of Clarke her body.

“Lexa!”, Billie said while poking me in the side, “stop drooling over Clarke. We have no time for this, not tonight.”

Billie was right, I should focus on my work. The bar was too crowded for this. My staring already caused me to drop several glasses and giving out wrong orders. As long as I was working tonight I had to avoid Clarke and her friends. It was hard, especially when one of them was getting another order at the bar. With the female friend it was formal, she ordered, I made her drinks and she paid. The moment Wells came up to the bar, we only exchanged a couple of words. We didn’t really know what to say to each other, sure we had met one another, very briefly and to be honest I didn’t like him back then. Or maybe that was because in that moment I thought he was Clarkes boyfriend. Now we had a mutual understanding. I knew he was one of Clarkes closest friends and he knew I was a friend of her as well. I would like to think I was one of Clarke closest friends because I considered her one of my best friends. On the other hand, did I barely meet any friends of Clarke and when I saw Clarke dancing the way she did with the other woman, I knew my friendship with Clarke couldn’t compete with the kind of friendship the three of them had. I wanted to be an important person in her life, equally important as Wells. He knew this, I noticed every time he ordered something. Or maybe he didn’t know exactly what it was, but he sensed there was something there. And then there was Clarke. The moments she ordered new drinks, there were smiles and winks, a lot of them. She always wanted to start whole new conversations, but I couldn’t engage in them. We were drowned to each other and I wanted to talk to her the whole night but I had to be focused. Which wasn’t easy, especially when Clarke was getting more drunk and her voice was getting huskier and her winks and swooping motions more daring. I couldn’t deny it made me feel things. Billie noticed and every time Clarke was heading to the bar again, she was making sure she was the one who got to fix Clarke her drinks. Every time I could see a disappointed smile for a moment when it was Billie who came up to her and not me. Sure, Billie and Clarke got along well. If I wouldn’t have been working tonight, Clarke would definitely have been overjoyed to speak to Billie. This wasn’t the case. She was still enthusiastic to talk to Billie, but is was clearly Billie wasn’t me. There were still a lot of smiles, but less winks in the conversations they enrolled in. I was grateful Billie did this. I was aware I had feelings for the blond, I coped with them well but I just wasn’t prepared for a drunk, swooping and maybe little horny Clarke. Feelings and desires I had locked away since Costia were surfacing again. I didn’t know if I was ready for it. Another reason I was happy Billie knew me so well and covered me. I didn’t talk to Clarke anymore until my shift ended at 2 a.m., I had been working for eleven hours nonstop and I was getting tired. My movements were getting slower and I started to give the wrong beers and make the wrong cocktails. Billie reassured me she could handle the rest of the evening by herself and told me I had to get some sleep.  

 

 

It was dark outside; the moon and stars were playing hide and seek with a couple of clouds and a small breeze was passing by. I was leaning against the outside window sill of Anya’s bar. She hated it when people did this but well she wasn’t here and there being no one who could tell her. I had my earbuds in and was listening to some instrumental music from Nick Cave, it was perfect for this evening. Even thought there were almost no stars visible I couldn’t keep myself from not looking up. I was bound to the earth. Since I was a small child I always felt this enormous connection with Mother Earth and Mother Nature, it seemed like we had a special bond that couldn’t break in any way. Nevertheless, I had attraction towards the stars and universe as well. Sometimes I wandered how it must feel to live in an orbital space station and look down on earth. How many people are looking down on us right now? Are they lonely?

The door of the bar went open and for a moment the street was filled with Balkan beats and the sound of people who were dancing and drinking. I didn’t pay any attention to the interruption; my thoughts were still lingering somewhere in space. It was the first time this evening I had some time for myself.

“No Niylah we are not going back inside. You have had enough for tonight. I’m calling a taxi”, a low voice said.

“Is Clarke coming with me?” the woman asked.

Hearing this name made me take one of my earbuds out. I didn’t want to spy on their conversation, but I couldn’t help myself.

“I don’t know. You must ask her. She’s grabbing your stuff inside, she will be here in a minute.” Wells answered. I noticed how he dialled a number and dictated the address to the person on the other side of the line.

“Clarke!”, the drunk woman yelled the moment the door of the bar opened again. She stumbled towards her and wrapped her arms around Clarke, “Please Clarke, come with me.”

“I don’t know Niylah. It’s better when I sleep in my own bed.” Clarke answered. She handed over Niylahs stuff and looked around. It was how she noticed me leaning against the window sill. She smiled at me and I gave a nod in return.

“Or I can come with you to your place?” Niylah replied and it made Clarke focus again on the conversation she was having.

“No Niylah, I want to be alone tonight.”

“Pwetty, pwetty please Clarke. I want you. And I know what you like” She almost begged.

Clarke her cheeks reddened in an instant. Was it because of what Niylah said? Or was it because she knew everybody who was standing outside could hear it, including me? Her eyes were interlocked with mine. I didn’t want to let her notice I was ear dropping, but sure in hell I wanted to know the answer. The conversation got interrupted by the taxi that pulled up in front of them. I could see Clarke whisper something into Wells’ his ear, it made him smile and nod in agreement. The taxi driver was waiting impatiently, staring at the trio to get inside the car.

“Clarke, are you coming?” Niylah asked. There was still some hope lingering in her voice.

“Not tonight”, she answered. For a second you could see the disappointment in Niylah her eyes. She didn’t say anything else. Instead she gave Clarke a farewell kiss, it was partly on the cheek and partly on the lips. It didn’t seem to bother Clarke which made me wonder even more if there was something going on between the two of them. Wells gave Clarke a hug before stepping inside the cab and he reminded her of an event they were attending tomorrow. The moment the taxi had left the street, Clarke came walking in my direction.

“What are you doing here alone outside?” Clarke asked while she sat down next to me.

I took out my earbuds. “I just finished working and I’m getting ready to head home. Letting my feet rest for a moment before I start walking again.”

“You are going to walk all the way home? From here?” she asked in disbelief.

“It’s only a forty-five minute walk.”

“You know there are cars with people who get paid to bring you home so you don’t have to walk. They are called taxi’s.”

“Smarty pants. It’s a nice night, it’s not too cold and the air smells nice. Why throw it away with a car ride?”

“Fair enough. Do you mind if I join you?”

“You want to walk all the way to my place? And from there on?” I asked surprised.

“Uhu, I can’t let a beautiful girl walk alone at this time of the day. What if something happens? It’s my duty to walk with you. And I’ll call a taxi when I’m at your place.”

“Aah the righteous and the brave!” I mocked.

She grabbed my hand, pulling me of the window sill. It was a warm touch and I wanted to interlock our fingers but I got a grip of myself and stopped myself before I would do something embarrassing. I knew I couldn’t stop her and we had to catch up at some point. It was a nice walk, Clarke was beside me, close enough so I could feel her body heat but not to close so it would be too intimate. My feet were hurting and for a moment I cursed myself, it would have been better if I just took a taxi. On the other hand, I couldn’t have the possibility to spend time with Clarke.

“It seemed like you had fun tonight?”

“Yes! I just finished my last exam today and I was in need for some alcohol and dancing.” She laughed, “It was amazing music. You guys should organise evenings like this more often.”  

“We do actually, every couple of months.” I replied.

“Seriously? I should come over more often!” she exclaimed “And next time we should dance together.”

“It seemed like you already had an ideal dance partner.”

“Have you been watching me?” This question made me blush. I didn’t give an answer.

“You mean Niylah? She is a good dance partner, but she can be too much sometimes. Especially when she is drunk.” Clarke told.

“And you aren’t drunk?”

“Inside the bar? Yes, I was very drunk at a moment but now I’m pretty sober. I stopped drinking alcohol an hour and a half ago. You would have noticed if it was you who served my drinks instead of Billie.”

Touché.

“So, this Niylah person, is she your girlfriend? You two seemed close.”

“Always wondering about my love life, aren’t you?” she teased.

It was the second time she made me blush.

“Niylah and I are friends who have sex from time to time as long as no one is in a relationship. People have sexual desires and we fulfil them to one another. From the moment, someone has a relationship it stops. There are no real feelings involved, just sexual release.” Clarke explained.

“Isn’t it hard? Because you are still friends?”

“No, just like I said there are no feelings involved. Usually on nights like today, when we are drunk, it’s harder to reject one another but when it happens we don’t hold a grudge.”

I hummed. Trying not to think about the possibility. If Clarke wouldn’t have seen me outside, would she have got into the taxi? If she would have, she would have had sex at this moment instead of talking to me. I assumed Clarke was a bit horny when she was drunk, so why would she decline this? Was it because she was sobering up?

“Does it make you uncomfortable when I talk about this?” she asked.

“No, not at all. I’m not a prude. I just don’t have anything to compare it with. I’m trying to understand it.” If I was being honest the conversation made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not because the topic was about sex but because I didn’t want to imagine Clarke having sex with someone.

“Do you think someone can love two people at the same time, with the same amount of love?” I asked.

“I don’t think you can have the same love twice”

“Yeah that’s true, every love is different.  But I’m talking about the amount”

“Why not? I love my friends with the same amount I love my parents. It’s a different kind of love, but the amount is the same.” Clarke explained.

“Uhu, and in the case of an amorous relationship?” I asked curiously.

“In that case, yeah, I believe you can love two people at the same time. Why?”

“Nothing, I was just wondering.”

The rest of the walk -which wasn’t that long anymore- we spend in silence, each of us drowned in our own thoughts. When we arrived at my place, Clarke instantly wanted to call a taxi. I rejected. She could sleep over. It was too late and it would take her a long time and too much money to head home. Even though there were places enough for her to sleep, all the beds and the couch were going to stay empty, I offered Clarke to sleep beside me. We drank a tea before going to bed and I gave her a pair of fresh pyjama’s. I was feeling excited for Clarke to spent the night in the same room as me, but on the other hand this felt like the most normal thing in the world. That’s why we were laying side by side in the dark, listening to each other’s breathing. We had said our sleep thigh and sweet dreams half an hour ago. Maybe I was waiting for something to happen, but I knew nothing was going to happen. I turned from my side to my back.

“Clarke? Are you still awake?” I whispered.

She hummed in approval.

 “I could not stand it if you were seeing someone right now”

“Why?” She sounded sincerely curious.

“Because I think you are wonderful.”


	15. Meshes of the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is an allusion on the short film "Meshes of the Afternoon" from Maya Deren and Alexander Hammid. Check it out if you'd like. There are some references to the film in this chapter.

_It was a bright day. The road in front of me was long and dusty, a picked flower was laying before my feet. I picked it up. On each side, there were tall pine trees, they weren’t symmetrical placed so it wasn’t a planted forest. I could hear all different kinds of birds, more than I ever witnessed. I didn’t recognise any of them, I never could. The ground was covered with lots and lots of mushrooms, an indication it was fertile. The air smelled like only a forest could smell, I loved it. This was one of my favourite places on earth. In the distance, I could see the contours of a figure and for some reason I was drown to it. With every step my field of vision got better and the figure got closer, but it was still too far away to identify the person. Assuming I knew the person. I was only a couple of hundred meters away when I recognised who was standing motionless at the side of the road, I was too acquainted with the contours of that body. Before I realised I was running towards that person, as fast as I could. I was smiling, there was hope lingering inside of me. When I was with her I threw my arms around her, dragging us a couple of feet away because of my speed. I touched her face and her brown curls, I kissed her on the lips. How I have desired for such a long time to kiss those lips again. I hugged her but she stayed immobile, she didn’t even look me in the eyes. I repeated her name over and over. Costia. Soft, desperate, sad and angry. I yelled at her face, demanding her to say something. Anything.  It made me angry. Her stoical behaviour when I was standing here in front of her, made me feel hopeless. Her body was like an empty shell. I touched her face once again, I couldn’t help it. There was still some hope left. I begged her to say something, she only turned away. I yelled she couldn’t do this to me, whispered I loved her. She putted on her cloak, covering her beautiful curls. Before Costia could walk away, I grabbed her by her arm and turned her so I could face her again. Only I wish I didn’t, it wasn’t Costia anymore that was in front of me. What was under the hood, frightened me. I was staring into a reflective mirror. She walked away in her black cloak. Everything around me started to spin, I fell into the earth and then into the sky. A key fell out of my mouth when I wanted to scream her name. I was tossed around like a feather by the wind. I saw myself standing at the beginning of the road again and the cloaked figure continuing her walk with the flower in her hand._

A shock went through my whole body and my eyes flew wide open. Automatically I straightened my back, my knees were pulled up and my hands were resting on them. Shaking. I tried to even my breath. What the fuck was that dream? And what was it all about? Why did my brain pull those sick tricks on me?  It was a long time since I had one of these kinds of dreams. I took a long and deep breath while I laid down again. Closing my eyes was useless, there was no chance I would sleep any longer today. I let my hand fall next to me and it touched a warm and soft body. I turned around in realisation who was sleeping in the bed aside me. My heart froze for an instant.

“Shit”, I whispered when I saw the blond hair sprawled over the pillow.

I had forgotten about this, about asking Clarke to sleep over. Her breathing was heavy and it was clear she wasn’t going to wake up very soon. The sight of a sleeping Clarke made me smile a little, she was cute curled up in those blankets. It was way too early to wake her up and even then, I didn’t have the right to wake her. She could sleep as long as she would. I stood up, selected some clothes and after taking a refreshing shower I went downstairs.

The water was boiling for some fresh tea when I noticed a little note on the counter.

 

_If I’m not awake by 11 a.m., drag me out of my bed by my feet!_

_-  Billie_

I wondered at what time Billie got home this night, because I didn’t hear a thing. After I said to Clarke I thought she was wonderful, I didn’t dare to say anything or move anymore. I think Clarke had the same reaction. My words had been lingering between the both of us for a quite some time. I didn’t mind there was no answer, Clarkes answer was hiding in the silence. The high-pitched tone of the kettle broke my contemplation. I looked at the hour, it was only 9.30 a.m., so I still had a lot of time before waking Billie. It was too late for a run. A quiet morning like this was perfect to get some work done, I had a couple of reviews to write for an art magazine. I opened my laptop and choose  _Radiohead_ as background music. The music was loud enough so you could hear it in the whole living room and kitchen, but still not too loud so it would wake anyone. After half an hour, I gave up on writing anything this morning, I couldn’t concentrate. My dream was still haunting me. I let myself fall in the sofa, a deep breath left my lips. I was staring at the ceiling and noticed how some cracks were forming, I made a mental note to find someone who could fix it. Flashbacks of the dream were passing before my eyes, it was getting too much. I closed my eyes and covered my glasses with my hands in the hope the images would go away. When I pulled my hands away, I was startled by Billie who was standing next to me.

“Jesus fucking Christ! You scared the shit out of me!” I let out.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Billie answered while pouring herself a cup of tea. The water was nearly close to warm but I knew Billie didn’t mind drinking some cold tea. “I was just wondering if you are all right? The way you were laying there. It seemed like you were thinking about things, unhappy things.”

“Yeah, I am fine. I had this nightmare and I was still thinking about it I guess.”, I answered.

With the cup in her hand Billie came up to me and motioned that I had to move a bit. She sat down and I laid my head on her lap.

“Is it already 11 a.m.? Did I forget to wake you?” I asked. I would feel guilty if that was the case. 

Billie nodded, replying she woke up way too early. I could see the bags forming under her eyes.

“At what time did you arrive? I didn’t hear you come in”, I said looking straight up.

“Around five”, she yawned.

“What? How is it possible for you to be awake?”

“I think I’m nervous.  At 11.30 a.m. I have a skype-interview with this gallery owner in Berlin, you know the one I met in Stockholm. I’m going to exhibit some works in his gallery, but we need to talk about which works and how many he’ll exhibit. The transportation and stuff like that. You know how it works.”

Now it was my time to nod and I told her she would nail the interview. She always did despite her stress.  We stayed quiet for a while. It was nice to lay here with my best friend. The last couple of weeks we all had been busy and were barely home. Anya had been working her ass of, took all the evening shifts. She came home when everyone was already asleep for a couple of hours and she woke up in an empty house because I already left for the library. I always left at 7.30 a.m. in the morning to go to the library to study and only came back home at 10 p.m. Sometimes I encountered Raven, she had a spare key so she could come in any time she wanted. She waited for Anya even if Raven knew she would only arrive around 2 or 3 a.m., but she liked to go to sleep in an empty bed and wake up with someone by your side. It was better than to wake up in an empty bed. And Billie? Well, she had this great idea to go study in a convent, to seek absolute silence and solace. So, we only saw her during the weekends. Today was the first morning in three weeks we had a normal conversation.

“Clarke is sleeping upstairs in my bed”, I broke the silence.

Billie swallowed her tea and started coughing. “What did I miss?”

I told her. How we walked home together, the conversations we had, how I invited her in and the monologue I held last night. Billie listened, nodded, understood.

“Did something happen?” she asked and I nodded in a negative response.

“Why not?”

I shrugged my shoulders. How should I know? I didn’t know if the relationship Clarke and I have, was in the stadium for something, anything to happen. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take things to the next step. Especially after the dream I had last night. I felt so insecure and I didn’t know if I could trust my feelings. “I don’t think Clarke likes me that way”, I answered. 

“When will you stop being your stubborn self?” Billie sounded a bit angry.

“I am not stubborn.”

“Oh, come on Lexa, you are stubborn as hell. You are in love with Clarke, you said it yourself. She likes you as well. When are you going the let her in? I have seen her flirting with you last night.”

“I don’t know. It feels like I have forgotten how to let someone in,” I admitted, “I still love Costia, I always will. She’ll always be a part of me.”

“Clarke knows that.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

“You told me Clarkes believes that someone can love two people at the same time. She knows you were talking about yourself, about Costia, about her. You don’t have to worry about that,” Billie reassured me, “Don’t overthink everything.”

I hummed in approval, she was right.

We both heard some movement upstairs and a few seconds later blond hair popped up on the stairs.

“Lexa, you should stop calling this an apartment. This is anything but an apartment, you live in a house. You have seen my place, that’s what people call an apartment. This is a mansion compared with my place”, Clarke rattled while descending the stairs. She was dressed already and she looked radiant.

“Ooh hi Billie”, she continued when she noticed us laying in the sofa.

“Good morning Clarke. You want something to drink or eat?” Billie offered, “Lexa over here was just going to make some breakfast for us.”

“Ooh shush, I know what you are doing. You can’t play me like this.” I whispered so only Billie could hear it.

“Coffee would be nice, thank you”, Clarke answered.

I stood up and made my way to the kitchen, I could hear Billie saying something like it’s working though. I crunched my teeth, it definitely was working. I never drank coffee but Anya adored this hot beverage. We always had a whole assortment of coffee beans in the house to make sure she could have the best coffee to wake up with.   

“Can you make one for me as well?” Billie shouted, “I have to be more awake for the interview.”

I grumbled. The moment I returned with two coffees, Billie and Clarke were intertwined in a discussion about art. It made me smile to see them get along like this.

“You want something to eat as well?” I asked.

“No thanks. After this coffee I should get going, I have a family lunch to attend”, Clarke answered.

I didn’t know if the disappointment was visible in my facial features. Clarke noted that the coffee was amazing after taking her first sip.

“But if you guys have time tonight, there is a gallery opening which I’ll attend.” She continued.

“Sounds nice, free alcohol is always fun”, Billie answered.

“Really? Which one?” I asked.

“I forgot the name, I’ll text you more information later. But I have to go now.”

“Ooh okay, I’ll let you out”, I said while leading her to the door. I could hear her say goodbye to Billie and wish her good luck with the interview.

“Thanks for the coffee, the bed and the talk yesterday. It was nice”, Clarke said.

“You are always welcome here Clarke, anytime”, the name rolled over my tongue.   

“Thank you, Lexa. Hopefully I see you tonight.” She gave a farewell kiss on my cheek. Even after I had closed the door after Clarke left, I could still feel the tingling on the spot where her lips had touched my cheek.


	16. Les Désirs

“Urgh, I always forget how much I loathe these kind of events”, I said to Billie. We were standing in the doorway of this new gallery. It was a stereotypical example of the white cube, nothing refreshing. The walls were painted white, with one or two art pieces on each wall. If there were three pieces, we could consider ourselves lucky. The light was as artificial as it could be and in the middle of the room were art installations. The layout of a typical modern art gallery. It wasn’t even this what made my skin crawl, it was the people who attend these kinds of events. Sure, Billie and I were here as well but we were here for the art, most of the people in this room weren’t. It was a culture of seeing and to be seen, especially the lather. Almost everyone was dressed up, it was a rare evening where you could wear your best suite or dress, drink some fancy wine and champagne. The hollow conversations about their supposedly interesting topics, namedropping to impress their company and using some misplaced jargon in between to show their knowledge.  The way they try to affirm their higher economic and cultural status through those conversations and their appearance made me want to run away from this place. But we were here for Clarke and we were always interested in seeing some new art.

“Come on, let’s grab a drink and walk around, maybe there is a piece worth seeing” Billie replied while she dragged me to the bar by my sleeve. She handed me a glass of white wine while she chose for a red one.  The first artwork didn’t charm me, neither did the next four pieces. It was an installation that reminded me of the Nouveau Réalisme that caught my attention.

“It’s my favourite piece in the gallery”, a sweet voice whispered in my ear. The person was standing close as I could feel his or her body heat behind me. I turned around and was faced with twinkling blue eyes and a big grin.

“Clarke”, I stated and a small smile formed on my lips.

“Lexa”, she answered and gave me a welcome kiss on the cheek. It lasted a bit longer than usual, I noticed, Billie noticed and Wells who was standing behind Clarke noticed as well. “I did send you a couple of texts asking if you already arrived. But you are never absorbed by your phone, are you?”

She was still standing only a couple of centimetres away from me, not intending to move. Clarke seemed more playful and audacious tonight

It was Wells who broke the tension: “Lexa”

“Wells” I nodded, “I see you got over your hangover?”

“How do you-”, he didn’t finish his sentence, instead he looked at Clarke.

“I may or may not have send a picture of you laying in my mother’s couch with a massive hangover”, she answered mischievous.

Wells only nodded his head in disbelief.

“Hi, I am Billie”, she said while stepping over to Wells and pulling him in a hug “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. You guys want anything to drink? I’m going to grab some water at the bar, someone need anything?” he asked while looking at our empty glasses.

“I’ll come with you because I’m still doubting between the wine and the champagne,” Billie answered, “White for you Lexa?”

I hummed in approval.

“How was your day?” I asked while leading us to a next painting. Now that Clarke had arrived I wasn’t interested anymore in what kind of art was exhibited but it was a convenient way to keep us moving. When we were standing still, there was too much tension between us. Art was something I could focus on otherwise I would keep checking Clarke out. She looked amazing tonight. She wasn’t dressed up, she was wearing her normal clothing, but for some reason she was radiating tonight and it made her look even more beautiful.

“Great, I had a nice day with my family. What about you?”

“It was okay, I had to work at the _Grounders_.”

“Again?” she asked surprised.

“Yeah, Anya isn’t home this weekend so I had to cover”, I explained.

“This piece is phenomenal! It’s probably worth a couple of thousand euro’s.” A middle-aged man said to his companion. They were standing next to us and debating one of the ugliest paintings in the gallery.

“Exactly this is what’s wrong with the art world. It’s phony. All that matters nowadays is how much an art piece is worth.” I exclaimed. I didn’t mind if the man could hear me, in fact I hoped he did.

These kinds of things made me angry in an instant. Money wasn’t the essence of art, it’s what capitalism made of it.

“A white wine for misses grumpy-ass over here,” Billie announced while handing me a glass after which she turned towards Clarke, “and one of the finest champagnes for cette belle femme.”

“Smooth, very smooth. Trying to impress someone?” I asked.

“Nah, don’t you worry, Clarke is all yours.”

That statement made me blush, I didn’t know why because Clarke wasn’t mine. She was from nobody. The four of us strolled through the gallery chit chatting, sometimes about the artworks but mostly about trivial stuff. Wells was the first one to leave, his hangover wasn’t completely gone and he craved for his bed. Not much later we lost Billie who started talking to someone at the bar when she was going to fix us some drinks. We never got them. So, it was only Clarke and myself again.

“I have been thinking about our conversation from yesterday”, Clarke stated after walking silently side by side for a while.

There it was, I knew one of us was going to bring it up again. We had been avoiding this topic the whole evening already. If we were going to have this conversation I wanted to go somewhere else, not this gallery filled with annoying people. After grabbing another glass of wine, we both stepped outside. I had to hold something because even if we weren’t having a conversation now, the silence made me nervous.

“What have you been thinking of?” I asked breaking the silence, wondering which part she was referring to.

“Everything,” she answered closing the space between us. I could feel her breath against my own skin.

“There is my favourite person!” Billie exclaimed while peeping outside.

Clarke and I immediately parted, taking a step back.

“I’m getting out of here. You see that gorgeous human over there? Well, I’m leaving with her and a couple bottles of wine. Yeah, I found the storage room. Nevertheless, you don’t have to expect me home tonight.” She gave us both a hug. “Clarke, it was lovely to see you as always and I’ll see you tomorrow Lexa. Have fun you two and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Billie laughed and hurried towards the young woman with the sound of glass bottles bumping to each other. That woman was unbelievable, I had no idea how she did it. The moment Billie was out of sight, I turned back towards Clarke.

“You want to go as well?” I asked.

“Yeah, it isn’t the best opening I’ve been to. Maybe we can find a better place to go to.”

I drank the rest of my wine in one time. We walked between the old buildings in silence, contemplating what we should do next. It was getting late so there was nobody on the street. We both knew what we wanted, we were just too afraid to say it out loud or maybe we were waiting for the other to act. I couldn’t stand the nervousness that was accumulating inside of me, as a result I grabbed Clarke her wrist, bringing our walk to an end. My gaze went from her lips to her blue eyes to end at her lips again. I stepped closer, placed my hand at the back of her neck and planted my lips on hers. It was a soft and sweet kiss, I could feel her smile through the kiss. It was everything I wanted. Clarke immediately returned the kiss with a stronger one which was filled with longing. My hands descended to her waist and I pulled her closer so our bodies could touch each other. The feelings we had denied for weeks -no, those I had denied because I couldn’t speak for Clarke- were released, I couldn’t hold them inside any longer, I had to set them free. I slipped my hands under her t-shirt and started to explore how they felt on her bare skin. A groan left Clarkes lips and she pulled away.

“You don’t want this?” I asked confused.

“Believe me, it’s my biggest desire at the moment. I want to make sure you are doing this because it’s what you want and not just to please me.” she answered.

“Ooh, I definitely want you Clarke Griffin” I confirmed it with a passionate kiss. Our breathings were getting heavier and the moans louder.

“Maybe we should take this somewhere else? Somewhere less public?” she suggested and I nodded.

Clarkes place was too far away, it would take us an eternity to get there. And my place was out of the question, I didn’t want to make love with Clarke in a room that was still filled with grieve. It had to be somewhere neutral.

“We can go to a hotel? I know one two blocks away from here?” I told her and Clarke agreed.

I grabbed her by the hand and started running through the streets; leading her. After checking in at the reception we had to endure an elevator ride which was way too long and full of people. When we exited the elevator Clarke her lips crashed into mine, making it harder to find our room. It was in our hotel room where we could finally get lost into each other, find ourselves and find one another. The night was filled with whispers and moans, longing and release, desire and exploring, happiness and love.


	17. Good Night, Day

I was sitting on the porch, wrapped in a blanket. It was a cold evening, colder than it’s supposed to be this time of the year. The stars were visible, a lot more than the last couple of days. It wasn’t an enormous number of stars, you never had that here in the city because of the light- and air pollution. Frankly, you barely saw any stars in Belgium because of it. The cup of tea I was holding in my hand, wasn’t warm anymore and my hands were getting cold but I was too lazy to go inside and refill it.

“How are you doing? Everything alright?” Billie asked while she entered the garden. I didn’t hear her come in. I hummed in approval when she sat down next to me, holding a cup in each hand. She gave me the left one, it was hot chocolate. I mouthed a thank you.

“Who was the beautiful girl I saw you leaving with yesterday evening?” I asked curiously.

“Mayaan”

“No way! Was that the mysterious Mayaan?”

Billie nodded in agreement.

“If only I had known” I said and a laughter erupted from Billie.

Billie her sexuality was fluent, she never identified with any labels. She gets attracted to people, their sex didn’t matter. So, there were days a random person -man, woman or someone who didn’t identify with both of them- was sitting in our kitchen early in the morning, sipping some coffee or eating some breakfast Billie had prepared. She never sneaked out early in the morning or asked someone to leave, she was too generous for that.  Even if it was only a one nightstand, they were still a guest in the house and offering some breakfast was the least you could do in her opinion. It was always interesting to see their interaction because the way Billie and the stranger talked, it always seemed so natural and casual. Sure, they met the day before, had sex, had a moment together in the morning but eventually they both knew they would never see each other again and they were always fine with it. But then there was Mayaan. She and Billie had spent several nights together already, it was the only person Billie went back to. They knew they had to live in those nights, not think about anything in the future or what it meant. Billie had never taken her home, so she was a mystery for the rest of us. We only knew what Billie told us.

“Was it nice?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s always great with her. I just came back from her place; we spent the day together.” She took a sip of her hot chocolate.

“You are never going to take her on a date?”

“Nope, we don’t really do dating. Besides Mayaan is only a one nightstand.” She answered. We both knew this wasn’t true, Mayaan wasn’t just a one night stand, there was some sort of attraction between those two people.

“How was the rest of the evening for you guys?” Billie asked while she snuggled under my blanked. The cold was getting her too. I knew it was to avoid the topic.

“I slept with Clarke.” I answered monotonous. Afterwards I drank from my cup, hiding behind it so I didn’t have to say something else. Billie her eyes went wide and she only nodded.

“I didn’t expect that answer,” she managed to say after some silence, “You want to talk about it?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. There isn’t much to talk about.”

“Was it bad?” It was asked hesitantly.

Now, that was a question I didn’t expect. I nodded my head in a negative way.

“Not at all. Clarke was amazing, she knows what to do and she has skills. It was..wauw.”

“But?”

“I left. Early this morning before Clarke woke up, I sneaked out.” My eyes were fixated on the cup between my both hands. I didn’t dare to meet Billie her eyes.

“Lexa..”

“I know”, it sounded more like a sigh.

 

_The room was pitch dark when I opened my eyes. For an instant, I thought it was still the middle of the night but then I realised it was because of the darkening curtains. This was definitely not my room, or any room I had ever slept in before. A pair of arms held me tightly around my waist, a leg was spread out over my legs and a naked body was pressed against the side of my naked body. It didn’t feel weird at all, it was natural to feel this body next to me. Clarke her blond curls where laying all over the bed, partly covering her face. The sound of a little snoring filled the room. I reached out to my phone, curious at what time it was. The bright light of the screen illuminated the room when I unlocked it. 7u23._

_I crawled out of bed, her limbs falling on the soft sheets because I was no longer supporting them. The lack of a warm body to hold on to, made Clarke toss a bit and eventually she shifted her body. She was laying on her stomach and her arms and legs were now spread all over the bed, trying to cover each inch of it. She murmured something incomprehensible and I noticed how she started to drool a little. This made me laugh in silence. I putted on my clothes as quite as possible.  Even if the sight was adorable, I couldn’t stay here. There was a force pulling me away, telling me to go. I couldn’t label the feeling, but it resembled anxiety. I grabbed all my stuff which wasn’t much and looked over to Clarke one more time. I felt guilty leaving her here, especially when she was sleeping peacefully not knowing she would wake up in an empty room. I gave a soft kiss on her forehead after which I laid a little note on the pillow next to her._

_I’m sorry Clarke. I had to go._

_\- L_

_I closed the door behind me. In the hallway, I let out a deep breath. Why did I always do things like this? I stood there for a while in silence with my hand still on the handle of the door, thinking about the night before. How amazing and thoughtful Clarke had been. I had whispered I hadn’t had sex in a very long time, the last time was with Costia which was more than a year ago. It was a whisper because maybe I was ashamed of it and afraid I didn’t know how to interact with another body anymore. Clarke had whispered back to me, saying it was all right, that I didn’t need to be ashamed, she understood. She gave me sweet kisses to assure me, to make me feel at ease. I don’t know how long I stood there in the hallway, maybe a couple of seconds or a full five minutes. Eventually I decided to let go of the handle, the decision was made. I closed to door already. I knew it was the best decision for me because what should I do when she wakes up? Talk about what this night meant? Have a conversation about what kind of relationship we have or not? I wasn’t ready for this kind of conversation because I didn’t know any answers. It was selfish of me to leave but it was the best decision I could make._

_In the lobby, I told the young man that any further expenses had to be put on my bill, whatever the costs may be. And he had to bring breakfast to my room around 10 a.m. Maybe I left Clarke to wake up all alone but at least I could give her some breakfast._

“Have you talked to each other today?” Billie asked.

“No, not really. Clarke has sent me a text though.” I answered and laid my head on Billie her shoulder.

I grabbed my phone and opened the text message to show it to her.

 

Clarke: What now?

 

I let out a deep breath. I wish I knew Clarke, I really did. I’m wondering the same thing. What now?


	18. All Your Joys, All Your Pain

Clarke: What now?

 

I had lost the count on how many times I had reread her text. I couldn’t conclude what she meant with the message. Was she angry or disappointed? Was she going to want to see me again? It would have been easier if she was mad and avoiding me.

 

Lexa: Anything? Everything?

Clarke: What do you mean by that?

Clarke: You are probably the vaguest person I have ever met!

 

This one made me grin, maybe she was right and I was too vague. What did I even mean with anything and everything? It was something I had send without thinking about it. It could mean so much but at the same time nothing.

 

Lexa: Do you want to meet up?

Lexa: If you are angry, I understand.

Lexa: It’s just…I’d like to see you again.

 

In contrast to her earlier texts, it took her a while before answering.

 

Clarke: Sure. Tell me when and where, I’ll be there!

Lexa: Maybe later this day? You can come over or I can come to your place?

 

Was it such a good idea to meet at one of our places? Maybe I should have suggested a café or another more neutral place. On the other hand, at home we were both more relaxed.

 

Clarke: Yeah, you can come over. I’m home from 5 p.m., so always welcome from then on!

Lexa: I’ll be there!

 

For some reason, I was nervous. We were going to talk things out, have a real talk. We’ve had one before, about my outburst and Costia but this one was going to be different. This talk was going to be about us, what Clarke and I were. Friends? Lovers? Something in between? Or at least I hoped we could have a conversation like this. We needed to make things clear because with every step forward, we took a step or two backwards as well. Rather said, I took a step backwards.  It must be so confusing and frustrating for Clarke.

 

Later that day I found myself in front of Clarke her apartment. I was nervous, tonight would mean something. I could lose the non-defined relationship Clarke and I had or we could make this work. Whatever this was. I pulled my hair over one shoulder and adjusted my glasses on my nose before ringing the bell. Clarke opened the door with a fresh appearance, her hair still wet from taking a shower. She smelled fresh, like rose petals.

“I am sorry I am late, traffic jam”, I explained while entering her apartment.

It looked the same as the last time I was here, maybe a bit cleaned up. The dishes were done this time but there were still clothes hanging on the chairs. Clarke wasn’t the tidiest person I knew, I didn’t mind.

“How are you?” I asked, discarding my jacket and dropping it on the chair full of clothes. I have only been here once or twice, but I immediately felt at home here.

“I am fine. Thanks”, Clarke answered while accepting the bottle of white wine I had brought along and she putted it in the fridge.

I let myself fall on her couch, grabbing the book that was laying on the coffee table. It was about all the different kind of trees and how to recognize them. I chuckled, Clarke a little biology nerd.

“Red or white?” she asked while pulling two glasses out of the kitchen cabinet.

“Whatever you are having”, I answered. When it came to wine, I wasn’t difficult, I drank everything.

“Red it is.”

I was surprised at how casual and easy everything went. I thought Clarke would have been angry at me and I was surprised she even wanted to see me. She handed me the glass. I scooped over, made some room so she could sit next to me. She ignored it.

“Do you care about your friends? Your family?” she asked, it was a sudden question.

There it was. I looked up at her in disbelief. Off course I did, why shouldn’t I?

“I love my friends, my family. I love them.” It sounded like I needed to convince myself as well. Lately, I haven’t been the best version of myself and maybe I didn’t act like it but I love them, I do. I thought it was something they didn’t question. They shouldn’t.

“Then why are you doing this?” she asked.

“Doing what?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about Lexa. I am fucking tired and I’m not into any bullshit today,” she replied plainly.

“I don’t know any better, okay? This is who I am. When I am scared or sad I push people away. Especially the people that are the closest to me. Do you think I want to feel this way? You think I like to disappoint everyone all over again?” I raised my voice, “I want to change, I do.”

“Act like it, open up. Show your true self.”

“I am here, aren’t I? Why isn’t that enough?”

I knew what she was doing. She was angry and trying to provoke me.

“You aren’t any better you know? You are asking why I push people away, why I rarely show my real feelings, but you don’t talk about them either. You are angry at me and you don’t dare to tell me”, I replied, taking a sip of my wine. I knew she was way to calm about what happened, I couldn’t imagine she was fine with it.

“Yes, I am angry! How did you think I would react? We had sex the whole night, frankly it was the best fuck of my life and then I woke up in an empty hotel room. You left me there. I thought we were passed all this”, she replied exasperated.

“I am sorry I hurt you”, I murmured.

“Why did you leave me? Was it all a game to you? Did the sex mean anything to you or was it your plan all along to shag me and ditch me?” She took a long gulp. Clarke was angry, her voice raised. Her free hand throwing in the air with every word she said. Clenching her teeth, frowned eyebrows. I couldn’t blame her. An angry Clarke was still beautiful though.

“I was scared”, I admitted with a small voice. 

“Of what? For one moment, I thought you really let me in. I thought that maybe we had something.”

I placed my glass of wine on the table and grabbed Clarke her free hand. “We do. This, this is real.” Clarke her posture changed, letting go of the tension that was building up inside her. I pulled her down letting her sit next to me. After all it was easier to have a conversation when the both of us were on the same level. I took a deep breath.

“I was – I am scared. I don’t know how to let someone in. I have been pushing everyone away for such a long time now that I don’t remember how to really get to know someone. I want to believe it is still possible to get close to someone, but the same thought frightens me. After Costia died I didn’t think I could love someone else, I didn’t believe in love anymore. After all, it became clear I can lose anyone anytime. I told myself love was weakness and I acted like it”, I told Clarke with a shaking voice.

She gave me a reassuring squeeze in the arm.

“I have been pretending for months, to myself and to others. I thought I was fine, that I was coping but, I was stuck and living in the past”, I went on.

“As long as you are living in the past, there can’t be a us.” Clarke replied, putting her glass of wine on the coffee table.  

“I know, I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I realize I have been a ghost the last couple of months. When I am with you, you remind me of the person I used to be. The person I can be. On the other hand, I know I can’t go back. The person I was is gone.”

“Not entirely, she is a part of you. Just like Costia will always be a part of you.” The anger was completely gone. Her eyes were filled with empathy.

“I truly want to let you in Clarke, I do. It frightens me because what if I let you in and you don’t like what you see? What if I disappoint you and you walk away? I know it is not fair, but I am just a coward.” My voice finally broke. Tears slowly falling over my cheeks. If I wanted to show who I was, I had to show her my vulnerable side as well.

“I want all of you Lexa, I want the beautiful and the ugly parts. The happy and the sad moments, I want everything.” Clarke answered, her voice full of love.

“You better be prepared, I can be a mess from time to time”, I chuckled through my tears.

“I can handle it.” She laughed and afterwards her voice became more serious “I mean it Lexa, I want to learn things about you. Genuinely get to know you and be with you.”

“I am here.”

My answer made Clarke smile. She placed her hand at the back of my neck and closed the gap between us, pressing her lips against mine. It wasn’t our first kiss, but this one was equally as important. It was full of love and comprehension.  This wasn’t the end, we weren’t there yet. It was a small step, opening up to each other. I returned the kiss, pinning her against the pillows of the couch. Her hands disappeared under my shirt, which she easily discarded. My leg was between her thighs, pressing against her centre. A moan escaped from Clarke her lips, her hips starting to move. She intensified the kiss while playing with my breast. With her other hand, she wanted to dispose my bra and after taking it off, she threw it away causing a shattering of glass. Immediately the both of us looked at the coffee table. The red wine was flowing over it and dripping on the floor, while little pieces of glass were shattered all over the floor.

“Ooh shit”, Clarke said when she saw what she had done.

We both jumped up and I tried to stop the wine with my both hands, which was useless because it was finding a way out between my fingers. Clarke came running with a cloth, a dustpan and a brush. I cleaned the wine, trying to avoid stains while she brushed all the little pieces of glass together.

“That was a buzz kill”, Clarke laughed when she plumped down next to me.

“My bra is ruined” I answered, looking at the piece of lingerie on the little table. Luckily for me it was a black one and the stains weren’t too visible. Still, it was hard to get red wine stains out of anything. Besides my bra was wet so I couldn’t wear it anymore.

“Here, give it to me. I’ll put in the washing machine.”

She took the bra out of my hands and disappeared upstairs. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head, it was chilly without anything on. After she came back downstairs, she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Will you stay tonight?” Clarke asked.

“I can’t”

I could see the disappointment in her eyes, or maybe it was fear. It vanished quickly. She probably thought I was leaving her again, just like I did in the past. Every time I opened up a bit to Clarke, I shut down and became distant. I couldn’t blame her for her fear, for reacting the way she did.

“I have to pick up Raven and Anya”, I reassured Clarke.

 I wasn’t going to run anymore.


	19. Tag 365

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Henryk Górecki - Symphony No. 3: Movement 1. Lento - sostenuto tranquillo ma cantabile. Op. 36  
> It's the song Lexa is listening to in this chapter and it was my inspiration to write this one!

_“You can’t do this! You can’t just decide to give up!” I yelled, the anger boiling up inside me._

_“I can’t live this life any longer Lexa”, Costia stated. She was sitting in the couch supported by a couple of pillows to sit straight. The nasal cannula providing her extra oxygen._

_“Why? Why now? There will be a good heart, I know there will be.” Hope lingering in my voice._

_“When? I’m tired of waiting, hoping for a heart that probably won’t come in time.”_

_“So, you are just giving up. This is it then.”_

_“I’m not giving up Lexa. I can’t give up if there is nothing next. I’m dying Lexa.” Costia looked defeated. Her eyes which were once filled with sparkles, were fading._

_“Yes, you are! Otherwise you wouldn’t want to make this decision.” Why, why in God’s name would she do this to me?_

_“You don’t know how it is”, Costia whispered, avoiding my gaze._

_“I don’t know?! I am here every fucking single day! Since the beginning I am standing by your side, going to doctors’ appointments, getting prescriptions at the pharmacy. I was here when you needed me or when you were pushing me away, I stayed no matter what. I never changed my mind. I lived through all the hopeful moments and the shattering ones. I may not fully know the physical pain and burden you are in, but I know how all the rest feels!” I yelled while grabbing my coat. I had enough of this. “So, if everything I did isn’t enough, if you still think I have no idea how it is after all this time, then fuck you Costia!”_

_I slammed the door behind me when I left her house, not looking back for once. Her insinuation had made me furious. How did she dare say such things after everything? For the next couple of days, I ignored her calls and text messages. Of course I immediately wanted to run back to Costia, but she had to understand. She wasn’t the only one who was suffering. Maybe it was my anger or my pride that withhold me from returning her calls. It was a voicemail in the middle of the night that made me come back to her. Costia’s voice shaking - it was clear she had been crying-, asking: “Please come home.”_

My lungs were burning. I knew I had to even my breath or at least slow down a bit. I had been running for over more than an hour now, only stopping twice to drink a bit of water or catch some breath. It wasn’t that early, maybe 9.30 a.m. There were other people running in the park, quiet a lot. It wasn’t rare for me to run this long but it wasn’t my normal pace, I was running much faster, sprinting almost. Testing my own body and limits, how far could I go before my legs couldn’t run anymore and I’d collapse? Or how long would it take before I couldn’t handle the aching and burning pain in my lungs? It’s crazy how a person can push his or her boundaries motivated by pain, sadness or anger. After another ten minutes, I stopped at a tree, catching my breath. It was enough for today, my body was worn-out and all sweaty. I jumped on the next tram, thinking or rather overthinking what I should do today. I wanted nothing else than to go home and take a warm relaxing bath, but going home meant making myself ready to go to Gustus and Indra their house. I wasn’t ready. They lived in the countryside, an hour drive from our place. Raven would pick up Norah, afterwards she would get us and then we would drive all together to Gustus and Indra. That was the plan. The longer I was sitting on this tram, the more I realised I didn’t want to stick to the plan. I didn’t get off at the right stop. By accident, I told myself but deep down I knew it was on purpose. I stayed seated for a very long time, letting the tram drive me through all those different parts of Brussels while some music was blasting through my earbuds. It was only at the last stop, when we all had to get out, I decided to pull out my phone.

“Hi Norah, how are you doing?” I asked immediately after she picked up the phone.

“Hello Lexa. I’m okay. Not the best day today. How are you holding up?” A sadness lingered in her voice.

“I’m fine. I’m calling, euhm, because… I’m sorry Norah, I can’t be there today.”

For a moment, it went silent on the other side of the line.

“Norah? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, yeah, I am here. It’s okay Lexa, I understand.” On the background, I could hear other voices saying something or discussing things.

“I’m sorry” It was sincere.

“Yeah, me too.” Norah answered before ending the call.

 

_“You are home”, her soft voice said while I entered using the spare key she had given me a couple of months ago. A big smile formed on Costia her face. She removed the cannula, jumped up from the couch and ran towards me. Every step drained all the energy out of her body and by the time she reached me, her limbs were too weak and I had to catch her before she fell on the ground._

_“I’m back”, I whispered kissing her lips._

_We hadn’t spoken in five days, five long days since I walked out._

_I guided Costia back to the couch, her breathing was heavy and uneven. This little effort was too much for her body. When she seated, I handed her the cannula. Her lungs were maybe hurting but her smile never left._

_“I understand now Costia. You should do it, I understand”, I told her with a small voice._

_With both her hands she cupped my face and kissed my fiercely, while tears were rolling over our cheeks. Costia knew it was a lot to ask from me, she wanted me to support her but eventually my decision wasn’t the one that counted. Her journey had been painful and now it was time to take the next step. Euthanasia, the final step._

Hesitantly I let my body be embraced by the warm water, let it welcome me. The water was maybe a little too warm and burning my skin a bit, but I didn’t mind. My head disappeared under the water, eliminating every sound except that of the running water and the blood rushing through my veins. I screamed as hard as I could, the sound absorbed by the water. By the time I had come home, Anya, Raven, Billie and Norah had already left. Something I was grateful for. Today was exactly a year ago Costia had passed away. There was a commemoration held at Gustus and Indra their house. I knew everyone would be there, her family and our friends. People I hadn’t seen in weeks or even months, people I didn’t intent to see for another couple of weeks. I knew I was expected to be there, after all it was something I had promised. Maybe they knew from the beginning I wasn’t going to show up but that wasn’t my intention. When I made that promise, it was sincere, I wanted to be there in that moment. Now that the moment was approaching, the fear and sadness overwhelmed me. it would be to hard being in a room full of people who loved Costia and were grieving over her. I didn’t have the need to be embraced in hugs again by people I barely knew, family members I’d never met, saying how sorry they are. I didn’t need the reminder that Costia wasn’t here anymore. I knew she died, I was there holding her when I saw the life disappearing, leaving her body. I felt it.

 

_We were all gathered in Costia’s room: Gustus, Indra, Norah, Anya, Raven, Billie, Lincoln, Octavia, the doctor and me. The dreaded moment had arrived, I had been afraid for so long and had tried not to think about it too often. Now it was here and there being no way back. The doctor had explained every step of the procedure, this way we had an idea what would happen with Costia’s body. He had asked if everyone was sure they wanted to stay in the room, because witnessing someone die is a hard experience. Costia was laying in the bed, her skin as pale as snow and dark circles under her eyes because of the lack of sleep. The last couple of weeks had been hard, people were visiting all the time to say their goodbyes, see her one last time. Since the day before yesterday nobody could visit anymore, only the people who were gathered here in this room today. Costia wanted to spend her last days with the people she loved the most, what she called her ‘true family’._

_I was sitting straight against the headboard of the bed, Costia her head was leaning against my chest. her thump softly caressing my hand which was laying underneath it. At the end of the bed Norah and Billie were seated, Billie laying her head on Norah’s shoulder. Behind them stood Anya and Raven, Anya her arms wrapped around Ravens waist pulling her closer. Next to the bed were Indra and Gustus. They were sitting both in a chair and holding the other free hand of Costia and holding each other’s hand. How hard they tried, they couldn’t suppress their tears. Saying goodbye to your child is something not a single parent should do.  Octavia and Lincoln were standing behind them. Next to my side of the bed, the doctor was seated along with the infusion and other medical supplies._

_“I love you”, I whispered in Costia her ear. She replied she loved me too, giving me one last kiss. It was sweet, soft and strong, filled with love. She squeezed my hand as another sign of affection. Even though she looked tired, her big smile never left along with those sparkles in her eyes._

_“Safe travels", Norah said her voice almost cracking._

_“I love you guys. May we meet again”, Costia replied. Her voice filled with emotions, she was ready to go and gave a little nod towards the doctor. He opened the little faucet for the infusion, letting the barbiturates freely flowing into Costia her veins. Step 1: inducing a coma. Costia her eyelids were closed and her breathing became softer. Step 2: administer muscle relaxant. It was after this step Costia stopped breathing entirely. With every minute, I could feel her body leaning heavier against my chest. Her hand had stopped caressing mine. After ten minutes, her heart stopped beating and just like that she was gone, just gone._

The music was blasting through the speakers, filling the whole house with its tune. I didn’t mind what the neighbours would think, at least not today. It was some classical music called  _Symphony of Sorrowful Songs_ from Henryk Górecki, music that had always inspired me despite my mood. It was already dark outside and I had dimmed the lights, only a couple of candles illuminating the living room. I was laying on the cold wooden floor, my eyes closed, focussing on the music, my feelings carrying along with it. The music was so loud I didn’t hear anyone come in. It was only when I opened my eyes again I could see Anya, Raven and Billie standing next to me. I was grateful for them being here, I had no idea how I would have gotten through the last months if it wasn’t for them. They turned the music down, so we would be able to have a conversation. Anya didn’t say a thing, instead she walked to the kitchen and came back with four glasses and a bottle of wine.

“How was it?” I asked with a small voice, feeling guilty I didn’t come with them.

“It was as nice as a commemoration can be”, Raven answered.

“Gustus and Indra asked about you,” Billie replied opening the bottle of wine and handing over a full glass of wine, “I think they were a bit worried.”

I took a long sip of my wine. Of course they were, they would always worry about me. I looked up at my friends and a whimper escaped my lips. Even though I wanted to be alone the whole day, I was glad they were here now. We may be living together but it wasn’t that common for all of us to be home at the same time, I knew they planned it like this. So we could spend the evening together.

After the bottle of wine was empty, another one quickly followed. I declined another glass, I didn’t want to get drunk. Not tonight. I had been drunk way too much the last few months. I decided to go upstairs, to my bedroom. It had been a long day. They understood and each one of them gave me a firm hug before letting me go upstairs.    

In my room, I dropped on my bed, not minding to change into my pyjama’s. It was here and now in the darkness of my room that I let go of all the feelings I had been holding hidden for myself and my friends today. The tears rolled over my cheeks, soaking the pillow underneath it. I grabbed my phone and send a quick message.

Lexa: The beautiful and the ugly parts?

I didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

Clarke: Everything okay? Is something wrong?

Lexa: It is a bit of a hard time of the year for me. 

Lexa: Can you come over please?

I had no idea how much time had passed, it seemed like an eternity before I could hear the front door opening and closing again. A short conversation was held downstairs, I didn’t know what they were talking about I just heard some voices. A small knock on my door was followed by a head peeping in the room. I turned around, curious who wanted to enter. The light from the hallway throwing some light into my room. My eyes were red and swollen and my vision was blurry due to the tears.

“Oh Lexa”, the person whispered.

I turned myself back around, my back facing the person who entered the room. I could hear her taking off her shoes before climbing into the bed next to me. She placed her body behind me, spooning me. Afterwards she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I took her hand in mine, holding it dear. I could feel her breath against my skin, it wasn’t as heavy as mine. She didn’t say a thing, neither did I. She let me cry my heart out, the tears flowed the whole night. Sometimes her soothing noises made me calm down a bit. The beautiful and the ugly parts, the happy and the sad Clarke had reassured me.


	20. Koyaanisqatsi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for an update!  
> University has kept me busy. I have been struggling to write this chapter. If it seems incoherent, my apologies, it's been written over the last two months and a half and it was fairly difficult to get into the same mindset every time I wrote a part.  
> Nevertheless, it is important to keep the story going. Hope you all enjoy it!

“Lexa”, someone whispered. I didn’t know if I was dreaming this or if it was reality. I turned around, ready to fall asleep again when I could hear my name for the second time. My eyelids were heavy, I didn’t want to wake up. How hard I tried, my eyes stayed closed. A small grunt left my lips. Two fingers were softly stroking my upper arm. After several attempts I managed to properly open my eyes, I still squeezed them because of the light intensity. With one hand I grabbed around, trying to find my glasses. I couldn’t see them with my eyes still half shut and I couldn’t remember where I took them off yesterday. A pair of hands handed them over. My vision was much clearer with the pair of glasses balancing on my nose.

“Clarke”, I smiled when I realized who was sitting next to me.

“Good morning,” she gave me a kiss on the cheek, “I didn’t mean to wake you like this.”

“Good morning to you too. It’s no problem, it’s unusual for me to sleep this long.” I answered, returning her kiss but on the lips this time. “I forgot how tiring emotions were, they wore me out.”

I couldn’t remember the exact moment I fell asleep. Clarke had stayed here the entire time, the whole night. Comforting me and hugging me, she was the only person I wanted to have by my side last night. The girl I am in love with comforted my while I was crying and sobbing over another lost love.

“I am sorry for yesterday.”

“Don’t apologize, you don’t have to.” Clarke answered.

With her hands she cupped my face, pressing her lips gently on mine. Smiling the whole time. Where did I deserve this wonderful woman?

“I made you some breakfast or I tried at least. It’s not fancy, just some bacon and eggs, fresh orange juice and avocado toast,” she told me pointing to a plate filled with food, “You were sleeping peacefully so I didn’t want to wake you. But it’s getting late and I must get going. I wanted to say bye and I didn’t want you to wake up in an empty room.”

Her last sentence wasn’t meant in a bad way, but it stung a bit even if it was all my own fault.

“Do you want to stay? Please”, I begged.

“I can’t. A friend of mine is doing a performance and I have to help her today with the final rehearsal.”

“Can I see you tonight?” I asked, drawing figures on her hand with my finger.

“Yeah sure! I think it will be finished around 19h, I can come over afterwards?”

“We can cook? I know Billie will be here tonight. Maybe Anya or Raven will be home as well, but I am not sure about that. We can have a nice dinner together?”  

“I’d like that”, Clarke answered. “I have to go now but I will see you tonight? I’ll text you later.”

 

 

 

I couldn’t concentrate today, I had already written two reviews and I started an article about the representation of people with a disability during the interbellum in Europe in the visual arts. It had to be finished within two months and I hadn’t written a single sentence. The frustration of not being able to write something made me take the decision to quit for today and take a walk outside.

The motion came to an end, I looked up and we were standing in front of a red light. My eyes interlocked with a woman on the other side of the pedestrian crossing. Her glasses balancing on her nose, intensifying the hazel brown colour of her eyes. Her curly hair was pulled back in a bun, some loose hairs hanging down her neck, they danced around when the honking cars and taxis drove by. She smiled, her eyes were still resting on me. Confused I looked to the persons left and right from me, they were standing stoical, their eyes were focused on the red light. I looked to the woman again and gave her a warm smile as well, just before a bus passed by, subtracting my eyes from this woman. The light turned green and the group started moving again, rushing to catch their metro. The woman was lost in the crowd, I had no idea when we passed each other.  I stood still in the middle of the crowd. The people walking behind me cursed at me for the sudden interruption. Dozens of people where moving in the same direction, taking over every inch of the street. Looking down the street all the people reminded me of ants.

There were so many, too many. It made me feel uncomfortable to be surrounded with all those people. I wanted to get away from here. Every passer-by was invading my personal space. The world around me was rushed and chaotic. It made me feel out of balance and return to the peaceful surrounding of my home.

 

 

They found me all warn out on the divan. The book half open on my chest, my arm hanging over the couch. My other arm covering my glasses and my eyes. For the second time that day, someone woke me up by calling my name. Out of the blurry contours I could conclude that my sister was standing next to me.

“Ooh yeah we should start preparing for dinner”, my voice still thick with sleep. I dragged myself out of the divan.

“Let us put some other music on. You know I appreciate some modern classical music but this isn’t the right setting, is it?” Anya asked while she made her way to the vintage stereo sound system. It used to be my mothers, she was a real music fanatic. There used to be music playing all the time in our house, all kinds, from classical to jazz to pop. She taught us everything, on nights when dad had to work late, the three of us gathered around the fire place. She would put some music on and let us really listen to it. She told us about the artists their lives and their importance in music.

“Yeah, choose what you want”, I replied rubbing my eyes. They were still heavy.

Anya choose some 1960s jazz with oriental influences, she knew it was one of my favourites. Raven handed over a glass of wine to her lover and afterwards she gave me one as well. I gratefully accepted.

“Can you chop the onions Raven? You know how I always tear up.” Anya gave a small kiss on her lips, another way for convincing her.

I started chopping the other vegetables. It was going to be a simple meal. Just some vegetables, feta cheese and herbs in the oven. My sister sat down next to me, humming some melody.

“I think I am going away for a couple of days, to the cabin. I have not been there in ages and we always went there with mom and dad. I need some peace and quiet. The last couple of weeks and days especially were tiring and arduous. I can go up there and after two or three days you can come over, along with Raven and Billie? We can have a weekend together, get away from all the buzz? Like we used to do. Maybe Clarke can join you guys, I think she would like it over there.”

“That is a great idea. When do you want to go?”

“As soon as possible. I just need to get away for a couple of days. Everything here is getting too much.”

Anya threw her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. No words were needed.

The doorbell rang before we could hear the keys in the lock. Dreadlocks appeared in the kitchen after she had thrown the keys on the cabinet.

“I have brought someone with me”, she said and after her was this blond person I liked so much.

 I smiled at her, happy that she came. She said hello to Anya and Raven before walking in my direction.

“Hi”, she whispered when she was standing in front of me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, it made ma crave more of it.

“Hi Clarke”, I answered. “I am glad you are back”

The little dinner party was a delight. Clarke told us about the performance and invited us to the opening in two days which Billie gratefully accepted. Raven declined the offer because she wasn’t into performance art – or any kind of art and Anya had to work. The last two days Anya had already taken a leave of absence so she could be at home and spent some time with her roommates. The wine flowed freely which happened at every dinner party we hosted, even if it was just the five of us.  

 

 

She was standing against the window frame, her gaze focused on the world outside this house where the wind was blowing fiercely.in the reflection of the window I saw how she was lost in her thoughts. I repeated her name twice without any result. Whatever she was thinking about, it was clearly the only thing on her mind. I watched her for a few seconds, how she stood there, how she was here. I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, laying my head on her shoulder. Her smile reflected in the window.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked. I didn’t necessarily need an answer, she was entitled to have her own thoughts.

“Nothing, just how nice it is to be here with you guys”, she answered.

“Raven wants to watch a movie if that’s okay? She asked if we wanted to join her.”

Clarke nodded in approval. I left a kiss behind on her shoulder before grabbing her hand and guiding her back to the living room.

“Have you decided which movie we are going to watch?” I dropped down in the couch next to Anya, taking her glass of wine out of her hand to sip from it.

“What do you think of _A Ghost Story_?”  

“That’s a fantastic movie!” Clarke acclaimed.

“You have already seen it? We can watch another one.” Raven answered, moving aside so Clarke could fit into the couch next to us.

“No, no. I am happy to watch it again. It is a great movie about past, present and future, our perception of time. It is a beautiful ode to love and loss. One of the best movies I have seen this year.”

“I think we have a winner”, Billie joined the conversation.

Clarke cosed herself, leaning against me. It didn’t take long before I could feel her body become heavier, her muscles more relaxed and her breathing evened out. She fell asleep only half an hour into the movie. It was cute, especially the little noises she made. The moment the movie ended, I decided to take this sleepyhead to our bedroom. After all my bed was far more comfortable to sleep in. In the bedroom Clarke dropped her clothes on the ground, leaving her only covered in her underwear. I looked in awe at her, her long hair covering her breasts. Her blue eyes looking into mine. She slipped under the blankets next to me, pressing her half naked body against mine. It was a welcoming warmth. Her arms were wrapped around my waist, her head on my chest. I stroked her hair.

“That’s nice,” she whispered, “don’t stop.”


	21. Norah

_The house was silent while I descended the stairs. Every time my bare feet touched a wooden step, the sound of a crack bounced between the walls. A weak smell of coffee was lingering in the living room. Norah was sitting in the couch, reading a book. The place was neat, it was clear Norah had been cleaning this morning. When I went to bed yesterday, the table had been covered with dishes, wine glasses, water glasses and empty bottles. Now there were some burning candles and a half empty pot of coffee on it. The oxygen cylinder and oxygen cannula stood next to the couch, ready to be used when Costia decided to wake up and come downstairs._

_“You didn’t have to clean everything.” I broke the silence._

_“I didn’t mind, it wasn’t much. Mom and dad cleaned most of it yesterday.” Norah answered while she laid down the book on the coffee table._

_“Thank you for yesterday. I know you helped to organize this little party.” I took a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and poured myself some tap water._

_“Anything to make my sister and you happy. She had been planning this for weeks. Costia knew you would want to skip your birthday, but she thought you deserved to be the centre of attention for once.”_

_I sat down in the empty seat next to Norah and pulled my legs onto the couch._

_“Even now she still puts other people their interests and needs before her own. It is a great quality and I love her for it, but she must stop doing that. Her body can’t handle events like yesterday.”_

_“It was only this once. You saw how she beamed when she saw how happy you were to see your friends and family. This meant so much to her and it is the only thing she can do at the moment. You don’t have to worry so much, Lexa.”_

_“What if we have to? What if we don’t worry enough?” I asked while my voice was shaking._

_“Was it that bad?” Norah asked and she took a sip of her coffee._

_I gave a little nod. “Costia didn’t say anything but I noticed. Her breathing has been uneven and uncontrolled the whole night. She woke up in the middle of the night to put her oxygen mask on.”_

_Tears were forming at the back of my eyes when I thought about the rattling sounds of Costia her breathing that kept me awake the whole night. Norah placed her hand on my knee and gave a little reassuring squeeze, signalling it was okay to let the tears flow._

_“What did the doctor say yesterday? I didn’t want to ask when everyone was around.”_

_“Bad… bad news. The rhythm of Costia her heart is slowing down, faster than usual. They have to operate again and probably change the pacemaker.” My voice broke._

_I could see how the tears were forming in Norah her eyes as well._

_“I am not ready to lose her” The tears started rolling over my cheeks, mirroring the grief on Norah her face. She pulled me into a firm hug and held me._

_“We are not there yet. Costia is strong, she will beat this.”_

_We both knew this was false hope, but we cling onto it._

 

 

People were shouting, all the different kind of tones and languages blending into each other. High voices and low voices bargaining about prices, reassuring it was real silver or the best quality you could find. The square was crowded, it always was in the morning. This was the most famous flea market in Brussels. Every morning of every day in the week, the square was filled with stalls where you could buy anything. Clothes, furniture, African art, cutlery, paintings, carpets etc. Anything you needed, you found it here. Young and old, people from all kind of races, religions, social and economic background were gathered here hoping to find some bargains. Some of them were waiting for the market to end because everything that was left behind, was free for anyone to take. The buildings surrounding the square were turned into cafés and bistros on the street level. This was a hip and trendy place, but I wasn’t sitting in one of those modern places. On one of the corners there was an old and dark café with a lot of brown wood, which was typical for Brussels. It was a popular place as well but I liked the atmosphere in here more. They served the best soup and sandwiches for a good price.

“You look great Lexa. It seems like you are better taking care of yourself”, the person in front of me said.

“Thanks for the compliment, I guess.” I answered, looking at myself. I wasn’t wearing anything fancy, just a regular black pants and a white shirt but I felt more at peace with myself since the last time we had seen each other.

“I have to admit I was a bit surprised when you called and wanted to meet.”

“I guess I am full of surprises” I smirked, “How have you been Norah? The last time I saw you… it has been ages ago.”

“Yeah, well, we missed you at the commemoration last week”, she took a bite of her sandwich.

“I know, I wanted to apologize for that. I should not have cancelled last minute, but it was too hard for me. Last week was too painful.”

I poured some honey in my mint tea and let it dissolve. I watched how the two liquids danced around the little silver spoon.

“It is okay Lexa, I said it over the phone already. Although I must say, I really hoped you would have been there. Not for me but for Indra and Gustus.”

Norah her eyes travelled from my eyes to my tea cup, distracted by the spoon I was twirling around. I didn’t dare to look up and for a moment we both were fascinated by the hot liquid. A silence settled in between us for a few minutes which I broke by asking again how she was doing.

“Work has been crazy; my internship is hard. I am working nonstop, every day.   I haven’t had any time to relax in weeks. You know, last week was the first time I encountered people that weren’t my colleagues. It says enough about my social life,” she answered, “I am happy the see you again Lexa even if it’s only for a few minutes.”

“I know. I am glad to see you as well.” I smiled, sipping of my soup.

The moment I called Norah this morning she sounded surprised, especially when I asked her if we could drink a coffee somewhere. It had been weeks since she had seen me and normally she wouldn’t have the time to have a lunchbreak out of the office but she managed the shift some appointments so we had half an hour. It wasn’t much but I was grateful for those few minutes. 

“I am going to the cabinet for a few days. Anya, Billie and Raven are coming as well. You can join us? Take a break from your internship. Have a nice time in the nature, like the good old days.” I proposed.

Norah her eyes lighted up and she nodded. “I would love to. I’ll try to take some days of at work. When would you like to go?”

“I leave the day after tomorrow, but the rest will arrive Friday evening.”

“Perfect, I will be there.”

“There is one important thing you have to know. Someone else is coming with us… Clarke. Her name is Clarke”, my voice didn’t sound steady at all. It was clear I was nervous. “And we are dating…Actually we are in a kind of relationship. It is still in an early stage but I wouldn’t tell you if I was not sure.”

“That is wonderful Lexa”, Norah answered. She had a genuine smile on her face. Her eyes sparkled just like her sisters did when she received good news. She took my hand and squeezed in it. “I am truly happy for you. You deserve this.”

I had been afraid to tell her. Of course, Norah would be supportive in everything I did, but maybe she thought I was going too fast. After all, one year is nothing and maybe she had the feeling I replaced her sister. But seeing her smile and those eyes, reassured my I didn’t have to worry about anything.

“I would love to hear more about her but I have to get going, my lunch break is over. I will call you tonight for the details of our weekend. I am looking forward to see all of you guys again and to meet Clarke.”

“Can you not tell Indra and Gustus? I want to tell them myself”, I replied.

“Yeah of course! Don’t worry about it.”

Norah stood up, grabbed her coat and took some money out of her wallet leaving it at the table. She gave me a hug. Before she could leave, I handed her an envelope with a letter I had written this morning after Clarke had left.

“I wrote this for you. Read it when you have a bit of time.”

She squeezed in my shoulder when she left with the letter in her hand and a genuine smile.

 

_Dear Norah,_

_I want to apologize for many things. Things I did and didn’t do, spoken and unspoken things._

_The moment Costia died, something broke inside of me. I knew it would hurt and losing her would devastate me. We had talked about it so many times. I remember our conversations when Costia was sleeping upstairs and we talked for hours about our fears and sorrows. We made promises to each other. You promised me you would be here for me, anytime and anywhere. I made the same promise to you. I didn’t think it would be this hard, I was prepared for it. Then again, how can you be prepared for losing someone? You kept your promise, you were there for me in my darkest moments. All those drunken nights, you let me in and took care of me. You tolerated my outbursts of anger even when I called you things no one should ever say to you. Afterwards you still defended me, when people where calling me out on my behaviour. You were there and you still are here for me, I know that. I am ashamed of my behaviour and because I broke my promise to you. I wasn’t there for you at all and I wish I was._

_I was angry. Not with anyone in particular, I was so angry at the universe and time. That is all I wanted, a bit more time with her. I didn’t realise at the moment, but I do now. The time we had together was wonderful and that should be my focus, not the what and if’s._

_I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and most of them during the last twelve months. I can’t say how sorry I am for pushing you and your parents away. You remind me of her, all of you do. I wasn’t up to that confrontation, hell I couldn’t properly watch you in the eyes... Frankly, I threated you like shit. It is not fair because you are your own person. You lost Costia as well. We both have experienced this great loss and the only thing I did was acting like I was the only one who lost someone. I regret it and I am so sorry._

_I wish I could say this to you in person, instead of you reading this by yourself. You know I am not the best person to express my feelings. It has always been rather difficult for me to look someone in the eye, open up to them and convey my raw, unfiltered feelings. You were one of the few people I didn’t have any trouble doing so, the other persistent bastards are living with me. Now, after everything that happened, I have the feeling I can’t do that anymore. And I want to change that. I don’t want to go back to how it was, I can’t. It is impossible, I know that. We can’t just pick things up where we left it. I don’t want to forget or act like I wasn’t a total asshole, because I was. We are strangers in a way, in our own way. We stand in front of each other and I feel the connection we once had. You were always more than the sister of Costia. You were my friend. I want to believe it is still here. I want to recognize what our friendship was and what it is.  Even if I didn’t always treat it like that, it is so valuable to me. Thank you for being you and being here for me._

_Lexa_


End file.
